He Called Him a What?

Bad things happen when words get haphazardly thrown around. See yesterday’s comment section, or the November 2006 ABA Journal. (which I now apparently get in the mail).

The cover reads:

The Big Bopper: Exploding the canons of judicial ethics.

The author was obviously unaware of the urban dictionary’s definition* of what it means to be "a big bopper exploding the canons of judicial ethics."

Granted, I know the difference between canons and cannons but it doesn't mean the kids do. The poor guy pictured with messy hair, and a look of confusion doesn't understand why America's youths keep laughing.

*If you are easily offended don't pull up the link. Here's one of the less crude definitions:

"a female that gives oral pleasure regularly; one who "bops"; a hoe"

Anyway, I didn't start this. It was all Baker's fault.

If You Think Finals Are Bad

I was reading Deadspin and came across this article on merkins, which subsequently got me thinking about the worst test ever taken. If you don’t like clicking links and you’re curious about the definition of a merkin, you’ll just have to wait.

Here’s the story.

Maybe it’s just where I’m from but if you wanted to play high school sports in middle school, you had to take a couple proficiency exams . . . one of which required hairy genitalia . . . literally.

They give you a form comprised of five pictures, each picture corresponding to a number; one meaning Bald Eagle, five meaning Sasquatch. This form had to be filled in by a doctor, your mother had to drive you and you needed to score at least a three to pass. At the time, I was maybe an exceptionally awkward two.

I remember the drive to the office:

Mother: “You think you're going to pass?”
Me: “I hate you.”
Mother: “You’re not going to pass?”
Me: “How the fuck should I know I’m not a doctor.”

So my mom hands the nurse the form, I get sent to the backroom, next thing you know, I’m naked and an old man is taking a hands on accounting of my pubic endowment.

When I told him it was for golf, he smiled and circled a four. I pulled up my pants, smiled, and swaggered out of the office like the furry champion the chart said I was. Things were great until I got in the car:

Mother: “So you passed with a four.”
Me: “Ummm . . ."
Mother: “I guess that means your becoming a man.”
Me: “Let me out, I hate you”

After a long bout of silence and years of therapy I recovered.

Moral of the story: Torts and Property really aren't all that bad.

And in case you were still wondering:

"A merkin is a pubic wig, worn by prostitutes after shaving their genitalia to eliminate lice or to disguise the marks of syphilis. There are many different ways of wearing a "Merkin" although most involve placing the merkin on the vulva or the scrotum."

You're Welcome

Saturday Night in the ‘Brary

Conversations like these make me happy I eves drop.

Guy 1: You know what’s so great about tonight?
Guy 2: No
Guy 1: Well the clock turns back at two which is when the library is supposed to close. That means the library will be open till what seems like 3.
Guy 2: That’s awesome. I’d totally forgotten about that.

After laughing at the tools and transcribing their conversation, I thought to myself, “wow that actually is kind of cool.” I then vomited in my mouth, made this post and went back to Torts.

Didn't See That Coming

The Contracts final was everything I thought it’d be and more. I expected there’d be questions, and knew I’d be responsible for answers, but laughter?

I took the test next to a young man who had a slight case of the giggles. Although not loud, it was the uncomfortable, nervous, chuckle of a young boy watching porn with his grandmother for the very first time. Fortunately, I persevered. I kept typing, he kept laughing and three hours and fifteen minutes later it was over.

One rumor has it that Prof. Contracts asked the computer guys if he’d be able to get the tests off the server tonight, and another student claims to have seen Prof. Contracts leaving the school, exams in hand. Whether or not either is true remains to be seen, but it’s a nice thought nonetheless.

Two down Two to go.

Haiku Friday (Cont.)

Expect the list to grow as this long Friday continues. The theme is simply, one word titles.

“Finals”

Remind me of sex
In that I cry when I’m done;
Others point and laugh

“Schedule”

Contracts, Property
First Saturday then Tuesday;
Finishing with Torts.

“Dispair”

Studying is fun
If fun means unfulfilling;
Like humping my sheets.

“Grades”

Dreaming of an A
Tragic nightmares of an F
Content with a C

“Contracts”

Expectancy what?
Parole Evidence Rule who?
Statute of Frauds why?

“Here”

I’ve finally found
The place where fun goes to die;
A desk all alone.

“Envy”

My cat licks himself.
Is it because he lacks thumbs
Or just cause he can?

**UPDATE** (7:55)

Thanks for caring.

I’m like a savant who’s learned ways are limited to improvised Haiku. A number of classmates were worried that I spent too much time on poetry and not enough time studying. To prove them wrong, I freestyle’d these bad boys in about a minute. So fear not; I’m still working on Contracts.


Brad Thomas must die;
Says haiku will make me fail
Must paddle his ass.

O skinny-fat man
Your hair resembles Brill-O
O how I hate thee.

Coffee makes me twitch
I’m not having a siezure;
Thank you for asking.

I not only write
But speak in haiku as well;
Listen when I talk.

Haikus for Finals

What is a contract?
I’ve yet to figure it out
Final tomorrow.

Dreaming of Wednesday;
Liquidated damages
To my poor liver.

Halloween Final
Lots of tricks minus the treats;
I’m scared already.

Make Love Not Law Review

From what I hear, Prof. Contracts had a little case of mutiny on his hands this morning. Apparently there was some confusion over the differences between costs and losses avoided, next thing you know A –L’s were throwing chairs, pulling knives, and exchanging words.

It wasn’t my section so I wasn’t there, but this is how I imagine it went down:

Girl 1: Professor, what you’re saying now totally contradicts what we’ve learned all quarter.
Prof. K: No it doesn’t.
Girl 1: Yes it does and if you don’t take it back I’m going to run down there and shave your head.
Prof. K: You’re kidding about the hair right?
Girl 1: No I’m not f**king kidding, take it back.
Prof. K: Take what back.
Girl 1: What you just said about the damage formula.
Prof. K: Ok I was kidding, please calm down.
Guy 1: We will not calm down. (throws chair)

I imagine that’s when Prof. Contracts fled.

Another review has been scheduled for tomorrow and students are warned to attend at their own risk. I may or may not be present for fear he’ll start with a joke like, “The U.C.C. doesn’t really apply to the sale of goods.” At that point, my flak jacket can't save me.

In summation, classes are over, reading days commence, and group review sessions tend to be as useless as tits on a bull.

One Down Three to Go

The LARC II final has come and gone. Let’s hope that means I’ll be moving on to LARC III come spring.

More importantly, here are your newest S.B.A. representatives.

Executive President Emily Hollenbeck
Executive Vice President Timothy Thorne
Executive Secretary Jordan Cypert
Executive Treasurer Stephen Baker
Executive Parliamentarian Kristina Renya

3L President Josh Fogelman
3L Vice President Lindsay Sherp
3L Secretary Martin Arguello

Mid Law President Rory Brewton
Mid Law Vice President Kate Moynahan
Mid Law Secretary Rachel Grove

1L President Jessica Hart
1L Vice President Kami Keller
1L Secretary Dylan Springman

Congratulations and may Baylor Law thrive under your fervent leadership.

Poor Prof. Property

About three quarters of the way through class, I developed a sudden case of Tourette’s and for that I apologize . . . but really, I was only trying to help.

Chicago: So what if I make a contract to go away for 30 years, can I have my mom go look at the Prop. . . .
Me: NO!!!!!!
Prof. Property: Mr. Swanburg?
Me: I take umbrage with Chicago’s line of questioning.
Chicago: Well, it’s relevant because I was talking to my mom on the phone and she was saying how she wanted me to marry a girl from Greece because . . . . .
Me: NO!!!!!!!!!!!
Prof. Property: Let’s move on.

Normally I would have let Chicago roll with it, but he was following a long line of confusion. The class was running an ill, heavily medicated Prof. Property through a Socratic gauntlet and she was struggling to stay afloat. To make matters worse, we had about 20 unexpected guests looking on in painful discomfort.

I took my phone off silent and prayed it would ring. She needed to kick someone out, if for no other reason than to get back on track. Unfortunately, I have no friends, my phone remained silent and class went on in utter disarray.

The class ended as it started:

Mark: “So what if you’re using the land for illegal purposes, can you still gain title through adverse possession?”
Prof. Property: “You mean like growing marijuana?”
Mark: “Yea, you know I was thinking of either that or maybe making some Moonshine.”
Prof. Property: “I don’t know. I mean wouldn’t you probably end up in jail if you were meeting the open and notorious requirement?”
Mark: I don’t know.

A painful reminder that it's not just students that get kicked when they're down.

UPDATE:
Sadly, I wound up in two quotes. One from my section the other from the afternoon.

Vote or Die

With elections approaching this coming Monday and Tuesday, it’s important we get to know our candidates. I've taken the time to stalk each one and as promised, here are the people you should vote for.

ExecutivePresident: Emily Hollenbeck


To quote Emily,

“I am a proponent of law league sports, karaoke, and theme parties. The more of these things we have during law school the better!”

Besides her hand in marriage, I couldn’t ask for more.




Treasurer: Stephen Baker


The man with the blog is a die hard supporter of both intramural athletics and karaoke. You haven’t lived until you’ve seen Mr. Baker on a Wednesday night. A vote for Baker is a vote for sex, drugs & rock and roll, (minus the first two). He promised me he wouldn’t embezzle and that’s good enough for me.





Vice President: Timothy Thorne


A game of darts says a lot about a man. Fortunately we shared just that a couple months back and as I recall he maintained composuer under the most trying of circumstances. When the going gets tough, Timothy Thorne gets going.






3L President: Josh Fogelman


Besides an impressive performance in the finals of the moot court competition, he’s an avid ping pongist, with a passion for things. I can’t see his Facebook profile but I’m sure those things are fun if he’s keeping them hidden from my prying eyes.




Mid Secretary: Lauren Cole

Not electing Lauren would be the equivalent of adopting a family but for one child. The family will be ruined and it will be nobody’s fault but your own. We’ve been given Rory and Kate, therefore your obligated to take Lauren. Not that you wouldn't elect her besides that, I’m just saying.








Finally for the 1L's we have Jessamikelman.


Who the fuck is that you may ask? Well it’s a combination of Kami Keller (V.P.), Rachel Appelman (Sec.), and Jessica Hart (Prez). They really want to win and who am I to tell them they can’t. We need the 1Q vote on this one. Since there are a million of you, get out and vote for the three girls who want to make your lives fun.


And in case you were wondering, you can’t vote for one without the others. That would ruin their name and you can’t do that.

*Apparently George Bush missed the mandatory meeting so we have Kristina Renya as Exec. Parliamentarian.

Welcome To Waco

My parents flew in to watch the Baylor football game and great times were had by all. When the B scored nineteen unanswered in the final quarter to win by one, my father was screaming joyous expletives and high-fiving the toothless man to his left, while my mother feverously shook her bear claw with the excitement of a special child riding the short bus for the very first time.

Although the game was fun it certainly wasn’t the highlight. That award goes to the live fishing show held in the Wal-Mart parking lot.

Without going into detail, “Lake Wal-Mart” as they called it, was a large tractor trailer converted into a glass walled aquarium; an aquarium stocked with bass of all shapes and sizes. This man who claimed to be a professional fisherman stood on top of the rig, put on a microphone and started teaching the shoppers how to catch the big one.

Although he didn’t catch anything, it was fun to watch the fish point and laugh every time a lure swam by. My mother and father seemed confused but I looked them proudly in the eyes and triumphantly exclaimed, “Waco We Do.”

So yea, my mother obviously celebrated her birthday in style and I’m glad they stopped by.

There is so much more I could write about, but I currently lack the time and patience.

My S.B.A. picks should be coming out later tonight.

For Your Haiku Friday Viewing Pleasure

Post your own over at Osler's place and win your self a prize. Tell him Swanburg sent you and he'll throw in an extra something.

“Herpes Zoster”

Property canceled
The professor has shingles;
Best of luck with that.

“Keepin it Real”

Chicken noodle soup
With a soda on the side;
I’m Harlem shaking.

“Homecoming”

My parents flew in
To watch Baylor play Kansas;
Disaster ensues.

“Ode to Slogan”

Scream Waco We Do
Though what we do, we don’t know.
Hopefully it’s fun.

“Mr. Trips”

I sadly awake
When the cat jumps on my balls;
He’s short for this world.


“Sacrifice”

My neighbors stop by
About 1:30 AM;
I cock-block myself.

They ask me to drink
I tell them I’m studying;
They leave unimpressed

Waco Gets a New Slogan

We aren’t talking about just any slogan. This is the big one. If I may pull a quote from the WacoTrib:

“We want to give people permission to brag a little bit about where they live, not duck their heads when they’re asked where they’re from”

So without further ado, Ladies and Gentleman, hang your heads no more for I present to you . . . .

“Waco We Do.”

(long awkward silence)

So maybe the locals aren’t giving each other high fives over this one, but maybe they should be. They could have ended up with one of BearMeats suggestions.

Meet the Candidates

With S.B.A. elections quickly approaching, this is what you need to know.

The uncontested winners:

Executive Secretary: Rachel Groue
3L Vice President: Lindsay Sherp
3L Secretary: Martin Arguello
Mid President: Rory Brewton
Mid Vice President: Kate Monahan

Congratulations on not beating yourselves.

The contested races:

Executive
President: Emily Hollenbeck v. Grant McEwan

Vice President Timothy Thorne v. Laura Morgan

Treasurer: Joanna Menendez v. Stephan Baker

Parliamentarian: Kristina Renya v. George Bush

3L
President: Jordan Cypert v. Josh Fogelman

Mid
Secretary: Lauren Cole v. Heather Kanny

1L
President: Jessica Hart v. Drew Peters v. Nina Patterson

Vice President: Kami Keller v. Brent Hill v. Josh Borderud

Secretary: Rachel Appelman v. Dylan Springman v. Brad Thomas


As of yet, FromMalibuToWaco does not officially support any of the candidates. In 75 words or less, tell us why we should vote for you (or your friend) and that could all change.

In Re Contest For Hottest Dean

This is the best piece of journalism I’ve read in years. How Thomas got quoted is beyond me but what a quote it is.

Brad Thomas, a first-year law student from Shreveport, La., discovered the contest as he scoured the Baylor law blogs and discovered Jackson was the topic of interest.
"I checked it out, and I cast my vote for Dean Jackson because she is the fairest of them all," Thomas said.

Dean Jackson is up to 2,463 votes but trails the Yalee by 413.

*Thanks to whoever posted the link in the comments.

Just a Heads Up

In case you were thinking about complaining about the lack of Waco Bar Reviews, I’m here to help.
Every morning on my way to school, I drive past a bar on University and La Salle called Tom’s Tavern. At 8:45 AM the converted garage, is usually packed and I’ve been dying to go inside. So at the beginning of next quarter I’ll be starting the FromMalibuToWaco Bar Review.

Rather than covering Crickets, Bogart’s, Treff’s, Scruff’s, or Georges I’ll be taking you to places you’ve only heard about or seen from the comfort of your fast moving, locked car.

From Sonny’s B.Y.O.B. to The Crying Shame, I plan on covering the best Waco has to offer.

Suggestions and accomplices welcome.

Ask and You Shall Receive

The big news at Baylor right now is the comment section of Prof. Osler’s blog. He promises a detailed summation in the morning so I’ll keep it brief for those not looking to read through the 50+ lengthy comments.

The two main issues seem to be:
1) Deflated grading
2) Job Prospects

Whether something will be done remains to be seen but with more than fifty, generally well though out comments, the odds are in the students’ favor.

And since I didn’t want to ruin his comment section with my petty complaints, these are my two:

1) The 1Q’s had some new faculty lunches with the professors. At some point in time the 2Q’s got uninvited. As you can see from a post earlier this quarter, I was excited by the prospect. I demand a free lunch.
2) Number two goes along the same lines as number one. You can see from this post we were supposed to have Dr. Pepper socials in the Dean’s suite on a regular basis. Thanks for nothing.

Broken promises, leaving me with an empty stomach and shattered dreams.

My Mother Warned Me about This

Pick the wrong friends (Thomas) and feral cats end up shitting in your bed.

Meet Mr. Trips; the newest resident of Bandera 628. He’s an orange and white feline of tiny proportions. He showed up in my garage on Saturday and has been here ever since.

His hobbies are limited to sleeping and eating.

Although I like him, he’s been getting in some trouble; the kind of trouble generally associated with peeing on a girl last night while she was sleeping in my bed.

He’s a kind cuddly fellow that I originally thought only people like Thomas could love. I purchased him a litter box and he’s assured me he’ll use it. If he keeps his promise he's allowed to stay. If not . . . R. Kelly can expect a Christmas present.

And Trips isn't his real name; it's more of a working name. Trips is short for Triple S, which is short for Sleeping Shit Stain. Other suggestions appreciated.

Making the Band

In an effort to bring back the great traditions of SoTheBearSays, below you’ll see the first installment of Baylor Law Mix Tape Vol. 1

All we need now is a front-man, lead guitar, bass, drums and a touch of practice. Since I lack any semblance of musical talent I’m relying on you, the readers, to make this happen. The tentative performance schedule includes stops at law prom, immunity day, law buddy, and the occasional bar mitzvah.

Feel free to add your own songs or help name the band.

#1 "Together We Cry"

Red Hot Chili Peppers - Under the Bridge

The video is the actual song. I included it so these new lyrics make some sort of sense. Enjoy.

Some times I feel like I don’t have an idea.
Some times I feel like I’m simply screwed.
It’s the place that I go to
The boot camp of law schools
With finals approaching, together we cry.

I study and read
‘Cause that’s what I’m s’posed to
I take notes in class
‘Cause I don’t want to fail
She sees that I’m clueless
But still keeps me standing
I never worry
Now that is a lie.

I don’t ever want to fail
On the final day
All I really needs a C
And I’ll be OK
(repeat 1x)

It’s hard to believe that the quarter is ending
It’s hard to believe that I’m still here
We’ve had lots of good times
But here are the bad times
Finals are coming
Together we cry

I don’t ever want to fail
On the final day
All I really needs a C
And I’ll be OK
(repeat 1x)

At the law school I’ve found
Is where I suffer pain
At the law school I’ve found
I could not sleep enough
At the law school I found
Forgot about my love
At the law school I’ve found
I gave my life away.

UT Law Gets Crunked

My mother sent me this link with the caveat, "At least your not the only degenerate in law school."

To quote from this article in the Houston Chronicle:

“A group of first-year law students at the University of Texas at Austin has been chided by the dean for participating in a "Ghetto Fabulous"-themed costume party and posting pictures online.”

“The photos — in which partygoers carried 40-ounce bottles of malt liquor and wore Afro wigs, necklaces with large medallions and name tags bearing traditionally black and Hispanic names — upset some black law students.”


Update:

My mother e-mailed me requesting I remove the degenerate comment because she apparently cares what you think of her. I will not. And in case you were wondering, she mentioned that glow in the dark gloves are unsuitable for medical use.

I love the lady to death but it's probably a good thing she sends e-mails and not comments; she isn't good at the whole anonymous thing.

Looking at these comments see if you can figure out which one is hers?

Haiku Friday

“3AM”

My neighbors are awake
They seem to scream loudly;
Intercourse maybe?

Outlines and memos
Sound far less interesting;
Making grades, not love.

The noises have stopped
I can finally get sleep;
Class in six hours.

Just to Clarify About Mr. Radish

1) I’ve deleted all the comments which inferred the author’s name. The harm caused by guessing wrong far exceeds the benefit of guessing right. I don’t want to be responsible for ruining an innocent person’s reputation.

2) The idea could be funny, if the school wasn’t the size of a large football team. Law students don’t want the Professors to have any impression of them outside of what they show in class. My blog opens me up as a fair target but everyone else should be entitled to privacy. Moral of the story, made up or not, people don’t want their name popping up outside of class.

3) Professors don’t want to be associated with student blogs. When someone Googles a professor, it should only link to their achievements. Hence why I identify professors by their class.

4) As a final warning, think before you act. The Dean didn’t ask you to stop because you used Baylor’s name. She used that as an excuse because it was a legally justified argument. Her real reason was the content.

Baker said it best, “Just because you can do something doesn't always mean you should.”

Anonymity at Its Finest

This link will take you to the blog of my biggest fan EVER. Unfortunately you better click it fast because I can’t imagine it being around much longer.

Interesting concept and the parts about me are funny, but the blog isn’t long for this world. The author has failed to account for several factors, the main one being the shortage of 1Q guys with the last name A – L . . . who are good friends with Parrish . . . who haven’t read my blog . . . or been to my house.

So although I may only know the author from an intramural basketball game, I’m pretty sure I’ve already unmasked his hidden identity. And if I can figure it out in 15 minutes, that means everyone else can too.

I give you full permission to write about me, but writing about other people will get you in a whole lot of trouble.

Rather then wasting time denying the posts, I’ll simply point out the author admits to writing made up stories about real people and leave it at that. By linking to this site, I’m by no means condoning the things he’s said. I’m just hoping he can take a hint before writing something that will get him in a whole lot of trouble.

To Prove I Wasn't Kidding

But I don't know what's better. This picture or this link. I know some people are morally opposed to clicking random links so I'll give you a quick hint. Its a poll for hottest female law school dean and one of Baylor's own needs your help. There have been 234 votes and she is only trailing the Yale person by 9.

Go Bears!

I Couldn’t Help Myself

I wasn’t called on for In Re Latex Glove Litigation so I had to interject. My head is full of useless information that I generally try to suppress but when the factoids find a scintilla of relevance, they come pouring out like children from a liberated sweatshop.

And for those of you who weren’t there to hear it. Medical gloves come in:
Latex, nytrile, vinyl, synthetic, powdered, non-powdered, colored, chlorinated, non-chlorinated, scented, textured, non-textured, fitted, non-fitted, sterile, short fingers, long fingers and anything else you could ever want.

If you’re ever in the market for some latex or non-latex dental dams I sold those too.

And since the 1Q’s like quotes so much, here’s one from today’s Property:

Prof. Property: “It's possible for constructive eviction to occur when neighbors are involved in lewd activities. From what I hear Mr. Swanburg, you should probably start screening your guests a little more carefully.”

Because $20K is a Nice Way to Say Thanks

I got this e-mail and figured I’d put it out there:

Call for Nominations for The Cornelia Marschall Smith Professor of the Year Award
Baylor University announces the fourth annual Cornelia Marschall Smith Professor of the Year Award, to be awarded to a Baylor faculty member who makes a superlative contribution to the learning environment at Baylor, including teaching which is judged to be of the highest order of intellectual acumen and pedagogical effectiveness, research which is recognized as outstanding by the national and/or international as well as local community of scholars, and service which is regarded as exemplary in building the character of intellectual community at Baylor. Nominations are requested from all faculty, students, and alumni nominating their former teachers. Nominations of nominees from previous years are welcome. Each nomination must be submitted to the candidate’s dean by 5:00 p.m., November 1, 2006, and must include:

1. a letter of nomination from the nominator, telling why the candidate deserves the award;
2. a letter from the candidate agreeing to be considered for the award; and
3. a curriculum vitae from the candidate.

The recipient of the award will be chosen from among the candidates by a committee consisting of four faculty members and the Vice Provost for Academic Affairs and Policy. The award, consisting of a plaque and a cash award of $20,000, will be presented at the University Honors Convocation held on April 11, 2007. During the subsequent fall semester the recipient of the award will present a public lecture on an academic topic of his or her choosing. This fall the lecture will be presented by the recipient of the 2006 award, Dr. Kevin Pinney, on October 17, 2006.

There are a ton of good Professors here at the law school and they probably deserve to win something.

The Costs of Friendship

In an effort to make up for lost time, Prof. Property held class on our day off. I missed it. I didn’t want to miss it, but I did. Although I destroyed my record of perfect attendance (minus getting kicked out of CivPro) it was probably worth it.

Apparently Prof. Property thought it would be fun to call on me for a California case. To her dismay I wasn’t there. So rather than calling on USC, UCLA, or Pepperdine MBA, she appropriately called on Bradley “The-Cat-Ate-My-Homework” Thomas.

From what I hear, he had neither a brief nor a clue. Between the two of us we broke both her rules. Don’t be late and don’t be unprepared.

Tomorrow I’ll be sure to wear my comfortable shoes and I recommend Thomas do the same. I have the strange feeling we’ll be doing a whole lot of standing. And since it’s kind of my fault you got kicked out, I’ll bring the Black’s Dictionary. As your friend I wouldn’t want to see you sent to the library over a word like “warranty of habitability.”

That Was Interesting

Back in Middle School we use to have these things called “Canteens,” more appropriately titled, “Mini-dances-for-prepubescent-socially-retarded-little people.” The girls would stand around in circles and the guys would go into the gym and play basketball.

I only mention it because here I am 11 years later doing the same thing.

The event, “Pi Phi Football 2006,” was held at the Waco ISD Stadium; a monument to Texas’ passion for high school sports. So yea, after crossing another one off the list of things I promised myself I’d never do, the optimist within pressed forward.

From 7 – 10, the parent chaperones distributed pizza, soda, and cake, while the guys threw footballs and the girls gathered in circles. After lasting a mere 35 minutes Thomas and I escaped.

Granted the evening had its highlights. Like this one kid who smoked his friend in the head with a football in an effort to impress his date. I thought that was funny. And the pizza was really good. And I got a free shirt. And . . . yea I guess that’s about it but free dinner and a shirt isn’t bad for 35 minutes of self-loathing. As a matter of fact, I’d take that any day of the week.

Next on my list of things not to do we have: attending a Sweet Sixteen, followed closely by committing hate crimes, and engaging in online chats with Mark Foley.

You Can File This One Under Inappropriate

The Pi Phi’s are having a sorority event this evening and I’m somehow invited. It’s not everyday you can trade your dignity for a free t-shirt so when the opportunity presented itself I jumped.

Fortunately, I’m rolling with my equally classless, cock-block of a friend, Thomas. I’m confident he’ll keep me out of trouble. Details to follow.

What Kind of Law Do You Want to Do?

I was at dinner the other night when an undergrad asked me this question. After I answered she said, “That says a lot about you.” So rather than going to sleep, I’ll share my story.

Every law student has been asked; some know the answer while others don’t. Here’s my short version. I want to build golf courses. Along with the golf courses I want to build communities, country clubs and resorts.

I guess that means the areas of law I’ll be covering are real estate, finance, banking & contracts. I’m using contracts to broadly cover everything from water agreements and management issues to membership disputes and liquor licensing.

Whether that explains a lot about me or not remains to be seen but that’s my answer. It’s also the answer as to why I’m at law school in Texas.

And if that falls through, I want to become a Professional Bass Fisherman.

If by chance you want to find out more, give advice, or offer a summer job, you know how to find me.

My Good Deed of the Day

I didn’t want to link to him, but he finally wrote something worth reading. Ironically, the “Bravest Bear” lacks the testicular fortitude to allow comments . . . so here is his e-mail: Bradley_Thomas@baylor.edu.

Send him a vituperative message or make fun of him in the hall. I know I will.

Maybe I Missed the Memo

Of the four teams to sign up for Saturday’s softball tournament, only the 3Q’s actually showed. Since no pitches were thrown I’ll score the games based on the number of players:

Game 1:
Garners Team – 0
Attractive Nuisance – 1

Game 2:
The Masterbatters – 10
The Masochists – 1

The numbers however don’t tell the full story. For the Attractive Nuisance, it was a Pyrrhic victory at best.

The first game was supposed to be played at 9:15 and sadly, the one person without a car decided to get dropped off at 8:55 allowing ample time for stretching and meditation. When I arrived for the second game at 10:30 he was still sitting alone in a corner, patiently waiting for his team to show. Amazingly he was still there when I left . . . staring at the field with a look of stoic determination.

Thomas Started His Own Blog

Unfortunately he’s yet to write anything worth reading. I’ll keep an eye on awkward cat-fetish boy’s newest brainchild and see what transpires. If you’re into videogames, studying and skinny-fat-man syndrome this may be the site for you.

I’ll link to him when he allows comments.

Until then, here is a 1Q with a fancy site devoted to his views on love, life and X-men.

A Trip Down Memory Lane

Dear Prof. Torts II,

Call on me for, In Re Coordinated Latex Glove Litigation. I’m kind of an expert in the field and this will be my one and only chance to put my encyclopedic knowledge of medical exam gloves to good use.

If you chose to ignore my request, at least know reading this case reminded me of this.

Respectfully Yours,

Swanburg

Haiku Friday

It’s time for finals.
Only eighteen days till LARC.
I could use a hug.

Immunity Day Fall '06

In case you didn’t know, I’m an awkwardly good bowler. Even with a wig on my head, boa around my neck, and beverage in hand I was still able to break 170. My prowess likely stems from the time I was just 5 years old and got my hand stuck in the ball return. Left me permanently scarred, but for some reason I’ve bowled well ever since.

And in kind of related news, the good folks at Mens Fitness decided to rank Baylor as the nations 9th most physically fit university. A fine testament to the billions of retards who say to hell with heat prostration and view 120 degree weather as a perfect opportunity to run the bear trail.

And if you’re wondering why I’m discussing sports and not the details of Immunity Day; talking about my classmates being fun loving folks is no longer how I role.

I will however send my congrats to Mr. Anderson and Ms. Keller for winning best dressed.

Law Students Should Love 80's Bowling

Immunity Night is upon us and I fear the 1Q’s have missed several memos. There are millions of them, yet only a few have signed up for immunity. And of those who signed up for immunity, many did so for the purpose of freeing up time to outline.

Very disappointing.

This event isn’t about you, it’s about charity. Pay money for your immunity; go to Goodwill and buy yourself an 80’s costume, then show up for bowling at 9:30. The S.B.A. wouldn’t sponsor an event if it was just a big trick to get you in trouble.

So bring your posse of socially awkward friends and have a good time. Nobody will force you to drink and in fact, S.B.A. promises me they will keep all 1Q hazing to a minimum.

And if you spent the money buying immunity, you might as well follow bowling with karaoke at Scruff’s.

And if you do drink, don't drink too much. You don't want to be like this guy.

Fashion Night: The Good, The Bad, The Fabulous

Unfortunately, I don’t have pictures of the evening’s event but if I did, they’d all be of Thomas. The 160 pound piece of awkward, white, man-meat made three appearances: First in a pair of plush disco pants, second in a lovely polo shirt / short combo, and third in a seersucker suit.

Picture an entire suit made of seersucker, accompanied by brown loafers and white socks. Although the panel didn’t appreciate it, I certainly did. I’ll leave it to the man in charge to give the details but I’m going to weigh in on a few issues.

First, the “hoes vs. no hoes” debate.

I respectfully disagree with the panel. “Hoes” are not required courtroom attire and the one panelist’s comments favoring dark hoes was certainly off the mark. Don’t wear them unless your legs are repulsive, or you have something that needs to be covered up.

Second, the lack of Prof. Contracts.

Incredibly disappointing to say the least.

Third, the slide show.

I’d like to thank Prof. LARC for showing me, with pictures, why ass-crack, cleavage and iced out grilles are inappropriate for the court room.

And did she really say her law firm had a retreat in Cancun that no spouses or significant other were permitted to attend? And this was the same firm that had multiple bathing suit required business events?

Fourth, the panel.

I knew I’d seen one of tonight’s commentators before but couldn’t imagine where. I’m almost positive we once sang some karaoke together at Scruff’s . . . wait . . . scratch that. After reviewing the pictures, I’m 100% certain it was he and I singing a little tune called “Summer Lovin” just a few short months back.

UPDATE:
Thanks to the Baylor Lariat we have this little gem.



Somehow I'm quoted as "John [sic] Swanburg from New York City" rather than Swanburg @ FromMalibuToWaco as requested.


Although the aspiring journalist may have blown it, the photogrpaher certainly did not.

The Curse is Broken

Obviously I’m making reference to the 2Q intramural athletic losing streak. After last night’s double header, the 2Qs stand at 1 – 6. I’ll spare the details but some would describe the evening as magical.

The 1Q’s have two teams. The first is really good, the other is really fun. In the first game, the 2Q’s faced off against the good team. That went poorly. I believe the final score was 97 – 3; fortunately it proved to be a good warm-up.

The 2Q’s ran a clinic during the second game against “the other” 1Qs. BC was showing the kids how to post up, Buxie displayed the fine art of shooting, and Haley demonstrated the power of trash talk / elbow throwing.

Haley went for a shot and the world’s largest redhead sent the ball astray.

BigRed: GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!!!!
Haley: You mother (bleep). Try that again and I’ll sterilize you with my elbow.
BigRed: Huh.
Haley: If you even look at me again I’m going to hurt you.
Me: Haley, be nice.
Haley: Shut the (bleep) up Swanburg. This is between me and this big (bleep)

That was the only blocked shot of the game.

In other sporting news, ESPN 8 (“The Ocho”) will likely be covering the two upcoming Baylor events for their obscure sports quarterly. This Wednesday is Immunity Day 80’s Bowling, followed by Saturday’s softball extravaganza.

If haute couture is more your thing, don’t miss tomorrow’s fashion night. My unconfirmed source tells me that both Thomas and SoTheBearSays will be going to work on the catwalk. I wouldn’t miss this event for the world.