Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Baywatch Meets Special Olympics

Although the memo rewrite has temporarily sucked the blogging spirit out of my being I will mention that someone in a high place likes watching the 1Q’s look like a class of mentally challenged third graders. Maybe it’s punishment for the easy schedule but someone is out for revenge. I’ve asked around and as far as I can tell, the ‘Werebears’ never signed up for volleyball yet somehow the school wide e-mail says we have.

Fear not. I’ve gathered a motley group of six spastics that I’m sure won’t disappoint whoever it is that enjoys watching invalids get hit in the face with fast moving projectiles. And for everyone’s viewing pleasure, the infamous Thomas will be taking his athleticism from the outfield into the sandbox.

10 dollars says one of my teammates figures out a way to get their head stuck in the net.


Maybe it was the Dean, maybe it was my mother, but someone made a call to have the ‘Werebears’ stricken from the V-ball roster. I recant my bet and apologize for the inconvenience.

Monday, May 29, 2006

Baylor Law Shootout

The title might be false advertising but anyone know anything about the gunman outside the law school? If you could fill me in on the sordid details, that would be great. I’ve heard several different accounts of the incident and I’m still curious as to what exactly happened. Apparently police were roaming around the school with guns drawn looking to shoot a guy who also had a gun. Feel free to correct me.

Happy Memorial Day

I’d like to apologize. I automatically assumed Waco imported water from a magical hidden location, possibly somewhere in Appalachia. In both NY and LA, tasty water just seems to appear. It wasn’t until after I had already peed in Lake Waco that I found my assumption to be false. Next time you take a shower, remember that it’s sort of like me and a million fish urinating on your head. If by any chance you are forced to drink Waco water, please seek medical attention A.S.A.P.

On a more important note, undergrads start summer classes tomorrow. If you see me sporting a Baylor Law t-shirt, walking a British Bulldog puppy around the bear trail you’ll know why.

Sunday, May 28, 2006


Last night I skipped Crickets and was given permission to infiltrate a 2Q gathering. I discovered they are people just like you and I. They have developed wisdom through experience and therefore I will heed some of their advice and put up a new disclaimer.

I don’t drink, party, or sleep around to the extent this blog would make it seem. Of my 16 or 17 daily waking hours, I like to screw around for approximately four of them. Those four hours are generally what I write about since they are more interesting than the 12 or 13 hours of school work.

I have the utmost respect for my professors, school, administration, and fellow classmates. I do spend a lot of time studying and I am not the screw up I potentially make myself out to be. I’m a fan of self deprecating humor; please don’t take me too seriously.

For my non-Baylor readership, the summer starters have the easiest schedule that Baylor offers. If I make the school sound fun and easy, I apologize. The school is fun, but certainly not easy. I acknowledge this fact because nearly every quarter is putting in more time then us 1Q’s and it would be an insult to them if I made it seem otherwise.

Having given my disclaimer I’m now going wakeboarding. I promise I’ve already briefed the cases for CivPro, Torts and CrimLaw. LARC will be done soon enough.

Saturday, May 27, 2006

I'm a Hooker

I could talk about our first LARC grades coming back, but I won’t. A class average of 40 and a high grade of 57 are hardly worth discussing. Instead, I’ll briefly describe today’s round of golf and call it a day.

We teed off at 3:20, paying $28 per person with a cart. My play was unremarkable but the course was a good value. The greens were true, the tee boxes were flat and the fairways were better than most. For $12 they give you a cooler with ice and 6 beers. We played in 4 hours and Cassie the cart girl was gorgeous. All and all it was a great time. Anyone interested in getting a regular game together please let me know.

Out for the evening, hoping Cassie the cart girl has a fake ID and frequents Crickets.

Friday, May 26, 2006

Game Day Recap

Things didn’t really go according to plan. Basically, I was supposed to hit this huge homerun and people were supposed to cheer. I was going to do the worm from first to second, pop it and lock it on my way to third and c-walk my way home. It was going to be awesome. In my one and only at bat, I made it to first and the only accolade I received was: “Hey Swanburg, that’s the first time you’ve reached first base since you have been in Texas.” The next batter grounded to short, I spilt a beer on my way to second and was consequently thrown out on the fielder’s choice. On the defensive end, I made one catch and one omission.

My law buddy hit a short pop and my teammates assumed I was going to catch the ball. They assumed wrong. Firstly, I would have needed to dive; totally inappropriate for law league. Secondly, I would have spilt a second beer; also totally inappropriate for law league. Thirdly, the final score was like 35 – 2 so who really gives a shit?

As far as our overall team skills are concerned we either need practice or less alcohol. After the first inning we were up 2 – 0 but they kept rounding the bases and Thomas kept falling down in the outfield. We forfeited after the third and proceeded to Georges and Bogart’s where we gave our livers a good workout. After buying several rounds of shots, hitting on every girl I saw, and being that guy, a 3L female mercifully drove me home. I don’t remember exactly who she was but if you are reading this, thanks. If we slept together then thanks for that as well.

I was sitting at George’s with some people and Sothebearsays comes over to give us [me] some encouragement. “Don’t worry guys, everyone makes the playoffs.” And with that he left.
Girl: Who was that?
Me: My friend Chris Farenthold
Girl: Wait you mean you know Sothebearsays and that was him? Oh my God, I feel like I should have asked for his autograph, I’ve been a huge fan for like two years.

Moral of the story: screw eating disorders and a coke habit. Around Baylor, if you want to be famous all you need is a blog.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Sad But True

You know that phrase, "We suck worse than herpes." It totally applies to our softball team. After 44 errors in 3 innings we called it quits and we continue to drink our sorrows away at Bogarts. Full details tomorrow.

Game Day

Today’s Quotes:

Prof. CivPro: Tell me about Omni Capital Ms. Farrah.
Ms. Farrah: Well Omni is a case about. . .
Prof CivPro: I write like a girl. Just standing back here and looking at everything I’ve written on the board, I write like a girl. What do you think Farrah, do you think I write like a girl?
Farrah: No sir.
Prof. CivPro: It’s not that I mind, it’s just sort of loopy. Anyway continue with Omni.

LARC’s Guide to Being a Lawyer


“You May Be A Dumb Shit But Try Not To Look Or Act Like One”

Oral Advocates be scared, we are taking no prisoners. First softball game tonight, expect the full update tomorrow.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

My New Favorite Place

I’d tell you all about my field trip to Hooters but I don’t have much time. I haven’t finished Torts, and CivPro still doesn’t make much sense. I will tell you that my local Hooters has some of the most ‘talented’ waitresses I have ever seen, and I was privileged enough to be served by Jessica & Janelle; Waco’s hottest twin sisters. For those interested: the Mavs lost, it was $2 domestic pints and I fell in love. Skip the wings, and give Jessica and Janelle all your money. They are beautiful and deserve it more than yourself.

For readers concerned with my grammar, Prof. LARC has your back. After tonight’s homework assignment, I know where to put commas, quotation marks, and ellipses. It's kinda like hooked on phonics for big people.

Tomorrow is Law League Softball. I haven’t been this excited since the shout out on http://sothebearsays.blogspot.com/

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Don't Hate the Player, Hate the Game

The school-wide e-mail regarding intramural sports has a critical typo. You will notice for Thursday softball it reads, ‘Oral Advocates v. Werebears”. That is patently false. Possibly a smear campaign by our opponents but let me tell you, it’s a horrible lie. I do not know what a Werebear is and I don’t know how that became out team name but I for one am not a Werebear.

The 1Q’s have been debating between the law school appropriate, ‘Tortious Batters’ and the trendy Summer ’06 title, ‘The Walker Texas Rangers’. It’s a close call. After hours of contemplation and careful analysis I’m casting my vote for ‘Tortious Batters’ simply for the staying power. Granted, ‘Tortious Batters’ won’t apply to any sport besides softball but at least it will be timeless. Try using a Chuck Norris affiliated name next summer and I might as well step on the field wearing cut off jean shorts, a Von Dutch hat, and a Starter jacket. I for one will not.

I received some vituperative comments today prior to partaking in a lunch time catch. I heard such things as, ‘That’s ridiculous if you have time for a catch’, and ‘Are you really taking law league that seriously?’ In response to my first colleague, yes I do have time for a catch. I also have time to write a blog and I’m probably going to play tennis at 7:30. When a cute female asks me to do anything, I very rarely say no.

As far as serious goes, I think we care the least of all teams. The reason for our catch was entertainment, something akin to ping pong, or billiards. Don’t be scared. The 1Q’s may be intelligent, but in general our coordination is slightly exceeded by most special Olympians. We may not be able to run, catch, throw, slide, pitch or hit but we are 19 deep and after a few drinks I’m sure one of us is bound to get the hang of it.

Monday, May 22, 2006

Still Hot But Slightly Retarded. . .

In a somnambulistic state I apparently decided that my face could use a good highlighting. I blame it on Prof. Torts canceling class. She left us with four hours between CrimLaw and CivPro which forced me to go home and read on the couch. I accomplished nothing. Unless of course you count waking up to an orange BIC® Brite Liner, wedged two inches up my nose an accomplishment. I apparently used the open highlighter as a pillow and nuzzled it with my entire face, leaving my skin and couch covered in toxic glowing ink. Terrific.

A special thank you goes out to a fellow 1Q that handled Kulko, Helico, & Northstar today so that I didn’t have to. You performed well in the face of danger and for that I commend you.

In preparation for law league softball I went to Sports Authority after class and purchased my softball paraphernalia. I’m now the proud owner of a glove and softball, neither of which I’m capable of using.
I’m having a game 7 party at my apartment, Papa John’s Pizza and all.

Thanks to a reader much smarter then myself, I have regained my sidebar.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Im Sooo Hot Right Now.

I don't know if anyone told you, but I’m kind of a big deal. After today’s post on http://sothebearsays.blogspot.com/ I’m totally going to get laid. I didn’t realize the power of the press until I got to Ninfas and people were swooning over the next big thing in the blogging universe. Paparazzi couldn’t get enough, girls were having me sign their chests and guys kept buying me drinks. I’m living the American dream.

Thanks again to Mr. Fahrenthold for the kind words but now it’s back to the grind. Territorial jurisdiction followed by interviews with Us and People. Don’t miss next week’s issues where I will be sharing the covers with both Lindsey, and Paris.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Really Fun Saturday

After about 42 Otter Pops and seven hours at the computer I’ve achieved nothing but substantial confusion and brain freeze. Writing is fun, memos are not. Law School is fun, graded assignments are not. A wise man once said you must take the good with the bad; he was right.

The memo I’m working on has nothing to do with conflagrations as a result of hammering on bungholes, or attacking imaginary Korean soldiers. As a matter of fact, there is no humor anywhere in the entire thing. I’ve discovered shoplifting and false imprisonment do nothing for me. On that ground alone I protest the assignment.

I’ve done everyone a favor and changed the hypothetical. Riddle me this: I’m 100% positive Prof. LARC intends to cause apprehension and I’m 99% sure she will beat me up after reading my paper. Let’s also say if I were to leave Baylor my parents would kill me. Stay or go, I end up like Rodney King. I get so sick from my apprehension I am permanently nauseous, I have dreams of getting killed and I develop a constant fear of birds. Who is liable for my assault? At what stage did they become liable? How much can I get? Who wants to represent me?

2Q’s got their first grades back yesterday, some were smiling, and others were not. Congrats to all those that didn’t fail, you are probably smarter then I am. To those who were not so lucky, see you in contracts this fall.

As for those who graduated this weekend. Read my post from 5/13 and pretend it was meant for you.

My parents wouldn’t kill me, I don’t dream of getting killed and I have no current fear of birds.

Friday, May 19, 2006


If anyone could tell me why my sidebar has turned into a bottom-right bar, that would be great.



And I thought Prof. LARC was mean. . .


School Sanctioned Indulgence

After what I’m sure were arduous deliberations and lengthy debates, the law buddy council finalized their impeccably crafted teams. I heard my name shouted over the room and then a hand waved as I looked over. This was it. Who was it going to be? And the winner is. . . . . . . .drum roll please. . . . . . .AN ATTRACTIVE FEMALE SEEKING HOT UNDERWEAR MODEL! Unbelievable, I couldn’t believe it. It was the first time my a-hole sophomoric tendencies actually did me some good. Sadly, when she realized I wasn’t an underwear model, she went back to her boyfriend but that is beside the point. She is still stuck with me as her law buddy and that counts for something.

As for the party itself, ‘Plan B’ rocked the aluminum, windowless, barn like no other. Their rousing law school renditions of classic songs ran the gamut of emotional elicitation. I laughed, I cried, I felt hopeless, and encouraged. When they performed “The Fallen” with a slideshow in memory of classmates lost, I couldn’t help but think of Roger, Nikki, and Chris. I don’t know where you three are, but orientation wouldn’t have been the same without you.

After a second pitcher, and ample conversation, my designated driver took me on a field trip to George’s Bar. Apparently the institution is the inspiration for a very famous Pat Green song. Until I discover who that is, I fail to be impressed. I went from there to Crickets, and from Crickets to CrimLaw.
Overall it was a great time and I thank my Student Government for their efforts.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

And the Winner of Law Buddy is. . . ?

Tonight is our law buddy social. It’s kind of like Christmas but instead of the tricycles and ponies I’m getting human chattel, free pizza and beer. I plan on hazing my law buddy. We will see where that gets me. I’ll hopefully avoid the shit show of last Thursday, but those are famous last words. Let the fun begin.

In other news, one of tonight’s Tort cases used the words ‘bunghole plug’. Makes me laugh everytime.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

I Spoke to the Man and He said the Future is Bleak

Dean Tobin & Friends invited the 1Q’s to a little soiree up in their suite. We were told to gorge ourselves on Dr. Pepper Floats and cookies; and that we did. I now feel like puking all over my Torts homework but while the others were exploring offices and stealing candy, the big man pulled me aside for a friendly chat.

Dean Toben: “So what’s your favorite class at Baylor?”
Me: “Surprisingly, CivPro.”
Dean: “Well that’s not all that surprising.”
Me: “Well for me it is. I was kicked out on the first day of class, but we’ve developed a good working relationship. I show up early and don’t say anything stupid and he lets me stay.”
Dean: “Ah wonderful, you have seen the worst of Baylor, and it’s a terrific war story.”
Me: “I don’t know if that’s the worst. Prof. LARC is the female version of CivPro and she hasn’t tried taking a shot at me yet. She’s already kicked one out and she is undoubtedly looking for lucky number two.”
Dean: “Oh that’s excellent, I’m glad to hear she fits in. You know it’s her first class at Baylor?”
Me: “Um. . .”
Dean: “I have been kicking myself over that cell phone that rang in orientation. I was in such a good mood, and he looked so sad and remorseful, I just let it slide. I normally. . .”
Me: “Yea, we were warned no hats, no cell phones and don’t be late.”
Dean: (reminiscing) “That’s a good rule isn’t it?. . .Yea, I should have kicked him out.”
Me: “He is one of the people that dropped after orientation.”
Dean: “Well I guess that’s probably a good thing.”
Me: “yea. . .”
Dean: Well it was great meeting you Jonathan, please come back for my other Dr. Pepper socials.
Me: “yea. . .”

Here are some quotes from today’s class:
“You see cattle heading down the road, 40% chance they are heading to McDonald’s”

“Mr. Swanburg is correct. He has been to less class then everyone else in this room, but he is somehow correct.”

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Day 7 and Still Going

If everyone else was jumping off a bridge would you do it too? Of course I would. I’d do anything to fit in and that includes running the Bear Trail. People around here brave the heat on a daily basis to frolic around on the dirt, grass and concrete, endangering their knees with every step. I tried to tell them about elliptical machines in air conditioned rooms but they want nothing to do with it. Anyway, I strapped on a new pair of Baylor colored New Balance and took them for a 20 minute spin. The shoes worked well, my legs, not so much.

As for my law school experience so far, it’s kind of the most fun thing I’ve done in a long time. Since I'm a big fan of analogies I'll go out on a limb and say we are one big happy family. Profs. LARC and CivPro are the Iron fisted parents that only want what’s best for me. They may regularly resort to corporal punishment but I probably won’t make the same mistake twice. Prof. Torts is that wacky aunt who doesn’t really fit in at family functions but you love her regardless. We both did the NY, California, Waco trifecta so how could I not feel a connection. Prof. CrimLaw is the kind, gentle grandfather looking to sit you on his lap and divulge all of life’s secrets.
As for my classmates, we get along better then most siblings but I hesitate to use them in the analogy. By including them I'd be forced to diagnose at least one with an Oedipus complex and that’s for another day.

Monday, May 15, 2006

Law Buddy

I’ve committed a huge blunder and for that I’m bound to be punished. When the form asked what I wanted in a ‘law buddy’, I replied, “The hottest female you can find”. At first it sounded like a great idea. Possibly brilliant; I’m undoubtedly the first person to ever be so clever. It then asked what three words best describe me, so I wrote, “Hot – Underwear – Model”.

There were a few other questions that nobody really cares about but what was I thinking? No hot, self-respecting female is looking to be the desperate weirdo’s law buddy. I’m going to go out on a limb and guess none of the hot female respondents wrote that they are looking to be paired with a hot male underwear model, looking for a sultry soul mate. Now instead of matching me based off my preference, they are going to match me with the person whose answers most closely resemble my own. In this case I’m guessing it will be a degenerate, anime loving , dork, who likes playing with matches.

I should have just put my favorite movie was ‘The Notebook’ and let the chips fall as they may.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

Happy Mother's Day

I haven’t seen my mother in, oh I don’t know, maybe the last two weeks. But it’s Mother’s Day so she is here, and I’m her bitch. My ex-girlfriend liked referring to her as ‘Bunny’ (from Sex and the City), so I shall do the same.

Most of my L.A. and N.Y. readers have never been to a ‘real’ Wal-Mart. You are missing out my friends; you are sorely missing out. Bunny and I were on a mission for cooking gear and a couple of folders. Parking was the first challenge. I had to run over a few feral cats, and flip off a Hispanic family of twelve but it earned me a primo spot. After making sure the car was properly locked we embarked on our adventure.

Now, I know I have lived a sheltered life, but when did Wal-Mart start doing haircuts? Patrons formed an incredible line to have their 'hair did' by a lady sporting the sign, “As Seen on Jerry Springer”. I wasn’t wearing my glasses but I think that’s what it said.

Apparently May is not the time to buy back to school gear at Wal-Mart so I ended up with some pink, orange and yellow folders that say catchy phrases like, “sweet”, “delicious”, and “tangy”. For some reason, the Baylor bookstore didn’t have folders, so this is what I’m stuck with. I won’t be embarrassed unless I somehow leave one of these folders in CivPro. At that point I’d rather die then claim it as my own.

A 55 year old man named Earl guided us to the cooking section. While walking behind him I couldn’t help but stare at the large yellow ‘Jnco’ logo emblazoned on his back pocket. I was going to pass along the memo that Jnco was SO 8th grade 1997, but decided last second that some things were better left unsaid.

After, a brief stint in the kitchen department it was time to check out. We worked our way to checkout lane 18. The lady behind the conveyor belt had 4 teeth and a shirt reading “I lost my number can I have yours?” Bunny and I respectfully declined and continued on with our day.

Let’s hope I am allowed attend more classes then last Monday.


Our, ‘1Q reply all e-mails’ crack my shit up. Shotgun either catcher, or left field for Thursday softball.

Saturday, May 13, 2006

Congrats College Grads

Congrats too many of my fellow 1Q’s that officially graduated from undergrad today. You are part of the incredibly small but elite group that can say they were enrolled in both undergrad and law school simultaneously.

One day when your kids are crying, because they fucked up their finger painting, you can say:
“You think your life is tough? I walked back and forth between Quantum Physics and Torts, uphill both ways during the summer months of Waco. If I hadn’t done that I couldn’t have afforded those clever little finger paints you clearly don’t appreciate, so stop. Just stop. . .you’re pathetic. Profs. LARC and CivPro would have kicked you out of the house long ago.”

Basically, nobody will ever be able to one up you again. When the 'children of tender years' start complaining, “. . . but you don’t understand, the school is really hard and the teachers are mean.” You can just laugh. If you feel like wasting the breath you can reminisce about the time you lost 10% of the class after orientation, but that won’t be necessary. Your offspring will have learned to fear you long before they are able to talk.

Anyway, hopefully I’m kidding. . . I doubt your children will ever fuck up a finger painting; They'll know better.

My mother is coming for a visit tonight. Just in time for Mother's Day. How thoughtful.

Friday, May 12, 2006

Responsible Law Student. . .I Think Not

You know that whole thing I said about everclear margaritas being a good thing. Scratch that. After this morning, my views on the subject have changed. It’s difficult to put my suffering into words, but it was one of those mornings where the only comfortable place in the apartment was the bathroom floor. The funny thing is, when you are sprawled out on that cold tile, you wonder why you don’t sleep there more often; after all it is obviously the most comfortable place in the house.
Unbelievably I was able to get off the floor and go to 9:15 CrimLaw. Imagine I was called on. I’d surely become ‘that guy’ who puked in CrimLaw. I’d be famous. All the sadistic Baylor professors would call on me just to see if they too could make me vomit. Mercifully I wasn’t called on.

Last night was fun. We did the requisite 1Q bonding and after large quantities of ‘tea & coffee’ discovered that we love each other. We lost three people after orientation so our numbers are down to 28 or so. I can’t wait to hear stories of my classmates sleeping together. If it doesn’t happen I’m starting rumors anyway so keep that in mind.

It is 6 pm the nausea is gone but now I can’t feel my face. Everclear apparently kills those nerves. Now I’m going to the hot tub with a law book, in search of a hot 17 year old. Like the wearing of a cowboy hat or a bolo, it’s one of those things you have to be in Texas to do legally.

What Did You Say?

“So I sold you a pig in a poke, but there was no pig, just poke.”

I may not look up all the legalese that floats my way but there is no way I’m going to let a phrase like ‘pig in a poke’ slide by. Turns out, a poke is a bag sufficient for carrying among other things, a piglet. So next time someone tries to selling you a pig. . .make sure there is actually a pig in the poke.

We are taking a group field trip to happy hour. My only goal is to not be that guy.


I was that guy

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Batter's up. . .

I’d like to cite a question from my CrimLaw text.

“Any person who, while intoxicated or drunk, appears in any public place where one or more persons are present. . .and manifests a drunken condition by boisterous or indecent conduct, or loud and profane discourse, shall on conviction, be fined,” etc., Code 1940, Title 14, Section 120.

Here comes the question:

“3. What if Martin had been arrested while sober but, while being driven to the police station, discovered a bottle of whiskey in the back of the patrol car and drank it, causing him to be intoxicated on arrival at the police station (assuming the station to be a public place within the meaning of the statute)?”

While you’re thinking about that I’ll give you the daily rundown.

My legs and sweat glands got a good workout today, my brain. . .not so much.

Prof CivPro: “You…What’s your name?”
Me: ‘J. .”
Prof CivPro: “Stand up when you speak”
Me: Jon Swanburg, S-W-A-N-B-U-R-G
Prof CivPro: “Who was the Plaintiff Swanburg? Close your computer it’s not going to help you now.”
Me: “In the first or second case”
Prof CivPro: “The case we are talking about”
Me: “Neff”
Prof CivPro: “Are you sure?”
Me: “Mitchell?. .Wait are you talking about Pennoyer”
Prof CivPro: “Ok Swanburg, so far you have named every person in the case. You’re going down, go down in flames.”
Me: Yea
Prof CivPro: “It wasn’t a compliment Swanburg”
Me: “I know sir”
Prof CivPro: “So who is it?”
Me: “Neff”
Prof CivPro: (after long delay and calling on two other people who say Neff) “Alright, let’s move on.”

45 minutes later it was all over. The storm stopped, the clouds gave way, and a beautiful beacon of hope came shining through.

Some memorable quotes:
“If your not going to think like a lawyer at least stand like one.”
“You seem enchanted with your ignorance Mr. Swanburg.”
“Stand back up, I’m not done with you yet.”
“Do you listen to Aretha Franklin Mr. Swanburg?”

I think I used “in rem jurisdiction” for everyone of my attempted answers and it wasn’t right once. Not even once. Otherwise fun times. On scale of 1 - 10, I give myself a 5 simply becasue I didn't cry or wet myself.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

I Think I'm in a Red State

So you want me to do what? The Professor is going to give me a real gun? And I’m going to shoot at skeets and traps? All I have to bring is protective glasses and earplugs? You must be shitting me?

“The Baylor Law Skeet and Trap Club will meet this Thursday after 5:00 at the Waco Gun Club. If is going to be a lot of fun so don’t miss it! For those of you new to the Law School, everyone is welcome to come and shoot with Professor Guinn. You only need to bring ear plugs and protective eye glasses. If you don’t have a shotgun – don’t worry! Professor Guinn will bring a couple of extra that you can use.”

There are so many things that worry me. Firstly, why does my professor have all these extra guns? Why do my fellow students have their own shotguns and do they bring them to class? I’ll be standing there with my stupid plastic glasses and ear plugs while everyone else has guns.
$5 says they give me a deer costume and tell me to run around….I’ll skip this event and wait for law league softball.

In other news, I was allowed to sit through all of my classes today and nobody made me cry. Today was fabulous.

Monday, May 08, 2006

. . . . .First day of class. . . . . . .

Maybe I’m not supposed to be a lawyer. Maybe latex was my thing. First and foremost I’m a huge fan of the period. I like short choppy sentences. I like throwing little dots between words to create suspense. Granted, grammar has never been my joie de vive, but if I had to pick a favorite symbol it would be the period. I don’t know if I’m ready to give the old girl up just yet.

Take this example from tonight’s LARC reading:

Sanchez v. East Contra Costa Irrigation Company
Supreme Court of California S.F. No. 12387
November 19, 1928

“In this action for damages for the death of plaintiff’s minor son, where it appeared that defendant and irrigation company, maintained a siphon from its canal on one side of a creek to its canal on the other side, that the opening of this siphon in the end of the canal was four feet in diameter and was unguarded, that the defendant company had constructed within a short distance of the siphon several small houses in which employees of the company, including plaintiff, with their families resided, that plaintiff’s son fell into the canal which, at the time of the accident, was filled with about three feet of water, and then evidently slipped into the siphon at the bottom of this three feet of water and his body was recovered from a place some fifteen feet down the siphon, that the water in the canal was muddy and the opening of the siphon could not be seen, and there was no sign of warning to notify passer-bys of the presence of this large siphon, the case involved a situation where defendant had placed upon its property an artificial peril, a concealed danger, without warning to those who were invited by defendant to live close by, and it was liable in damages for the resulting death.”

One period in 215 words is simply unacceptable. Yale Law School requires a 250 word essay; maybe they’d be impressed if it was one sentence long.

Besides that everything else was wonderful. . . . . .Oh. . . .I forgot to mention the whole Prof. CivPro kicking me out for being late thing but that’s neither here nor there.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Classic Overachiever. . .

I discovered today that I have the potential of trying myself stupid. You may be asking what exactly that means, but fear no more, I’ll explain. I started this adventure called reading and briefing at about 11:30. I impressed myself through subtle displays of genius. I filled the margins with clever comments, and decidedly outthought many of the great Supreme Court Justices. At about 9:30 I started on the LARC reading. The assignment was
“. . . review table of contents and read pages 3-25. Read Supplement #1. Turn in one-page typed case brief from case discussed in orientation: Arguello-Gilliand v. Brinker Int’l, 2003 WL 21185484 (Tex. App. – Dallas, 2003).”

It wasn’t until I got to page 3 and realized I’d highlighted my table of contents that I knew I was screwed as a human being.

Whatever, if the teacher asks what page the prefix starts on I’ll blow her socks off.

First day of class tomorrow.

Saturday, May 06, 2006


Our waitress was perfect, combining the looks of Petra Nemkova with the IQ of a toilet seat. Ashley was a sassy little bugger, unafraid to give the clientele a piece of her mind.

Ashley: “For tonight we have Carona, XXX, and one more for $2.99”
Me: “And what would that one more be?”
Ashley: “Umm a beer.”
Me: “Does the beer have a name”
Ashley: One More (actual name turned out to be “Juan Moore”)
Me: “You know what? You make that sound so good I’ll stick with a blended Margarita”
Ashley: “What’s blended?”
Texas friends: “He’s a yankee, I think he means frozen”
Ashley: “Oh, that’s weird. What kinda tequila?”
Me: “Do you have Patron silver?”
Ashley: “Yea and what do you want as the floater?”
Me: “Can you just float some more Patron at the top”
Ashley: “No, I don’t know how to do that, it has to be a different brand”
Me: “Your lucky you’re hot, surprise me.”
Ashley: “Thanks”

I’d come to learn that the ring I saw on 19 year old Ashley’s finger was a promise ring and the hole in her belly button was created by God. In fact, when she was at a God camp, she dropped her bible and while descending, it tore out her belly button ring.

Texas Friend: “So you’re only 19, what’s the promise ring for?”
Ashley: “A promise to stay pure till I’m married.”
Me: “Well that’s noble.”
Texas Friend: “You’re full of crap. The tramp stamp on your lower back says that belly button ring was ripped out during kinky sex.”
Ashley: “I got the tattoo when I was 17, but other then that, we have a lot in common”
Texas Friend: “Such as?”
Ashley: “Well we are both virgins, but it’s sad because mine is by choice and yours isn’t.”

Touché young Ashley, touché.

True to her word she didn’t sleep with any of us that night.

**In other news, I’d like to congratulate my drinking buddy on taking his last undergrad 8 AM final, having replaced studying and sleeping with goodly amounts of tequila. He finished the exam in 15 minutes, confident he earned an ‘A’. Undeniable proof my law school classmates are far superior thinkers then I.**

Happy Cinco

My mind is incoherent, thoughts come and go. It’s 1:24 AM on May 6, the celebration of Cinco de Mayo is gone; kinda. I’m in no mood or position to be writing but I can’t kill my blog just yet.
I was driven up to Dallas under the pretense of helping my friend move. I am of negative help. I bought the moving crew drinks and I’m refusing to carry a damn thing. Not only am I lazy but I bring everyone down with me. People are moving stuff around as I type. I’m insolent and stubborn but then again nothing is new. I wish I were more ambitious but I’m not. I’ve spent the last 5 hours engaged in heavy drinking; I'm exhausted. Funny stories tonight maybe I’ll try to elaborate on them tomorrow. My mental slurs don’t translate well to text. Will try again tomorrow.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Quote of the week

"If you have time to cry, you have nothing to cry about." - Encouraging Baylor 2L at orientation.


To my chagrin, everyone was early and nobody wore a hat. . . .but wait. . .just minutes into the deans lecture, “ring. . . .ring. . . . ring”, a cell phone in the front row exploded in loud, boisterous, exaltation. It was coming, I could feel it. The verbal and physical beatings were imminent. The Dean reached up with his all mighty hand, laid it on the student’s shoulder and said, “Don’t worry, that’s happened to me too.”
The rest of the day proceeded similarly. Prof. CivPro failed to elicit tears, and all thirty one incoming students lived to see another day.

I’ve left the second day of orientation with a false sense of hope. So much so, I put a down payment on a BarBri review course that will start in about three years assuming I don’t fail out. Proof, I’m either dumber or more ambitious then I look.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Let the games begin

First day of orientation and you have to take the good with the painful. I’ll be very “Unbayloresque” and start with the good.

- I don’t hate everyone. In fact I don’t hate anyone, but I have made two friends who seem like solid people.
- I received a free license plate frame, t-shirt, clips, and a squishy bear.
- I have grown to like my apartment more and more with each passing minute.
- They put Everclear in the margaritas.

Here comes the painful.
- Took me about four hours to finish the basic orientation homework assignment. (On a side note, I loathe you Karl Llewllyn. You have too many l’s in your name and ‘The Bramble Bush’ is less intelligible now then it was in 1930.)
- The incessant talk of administration saying “You’ll want to kill yourself during PC”, makes me realize they have aspirations of me passing my first quarter. Normally I’d be happy but it will be sad to let down good people.
- I was reprimanded by ‘my friends’ for swapping out the rice and beans for a salad at the Mexican restaurant. The waitress made a point of bringing unsolicited low-fat Italian dressing and announcing it in the most pejorative way. F’ her too.

That’s all for now. I’m hoping someone missed the memo and shows up late tomorrow wearing a hat. From what I hear it sounds like a good show.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Today's Highlights

Breakfast @ IHOP: Bacon, ham and cheese omelet, three pancakes, a side of fruit salad and orange juice. Always hits the spot.
Genie Car Wash: Their version of leather scent is vaguely reminiscent of urine, but the car is clean.
Tour of law school: Showed father around and met a girl who was writing an article for Law Review. Apparently the article is due by the end of the year, but she plans on being to busy for the rest of the time. She seemed like a smart girl and her only advice for me was to run away while I still could.
Bought books: The cute girl behind the counter seemed impressed with my peeling nose and forehead. As she should have been. Pound for pound law books are a better deal then undergrad but sadly I don’t feel my backpack is large enough.
Dr. Pepper Museum: Dr. Pepper’s original name was ‘The Waco’. That’s all I will say about that.
Grocery Store: H.E.B. is no Ralph’s but it’s a sacrifice I must be willing to make.
Golf Course:
A grass range and $16 after 3 pm. I couldn’t hit the ball but I have nobody to blame but myself.
Best Buy: Bought some cables to set up my projector and delayed ordering a new printer under the assumption I get free printing at school. We’ll see how my assumption holds up under pressure.
Baylor Baseball Game: Only caught the last 3 innings but Baylor beat the hell out of UTA. I never found out what UTA stood for but I felt an inkling of school pride. Nice place to watch a game.
Dinner and a Movie with Father: I’m currently posting during the middle of ‘The Day After Tomorrow’; cataclysmic events fail to impress me. My father on the other hand watches the weather channel 14 hours a day. He is enamored.

I meet all sorts of new friends tomorrow at orientation. YEEHAW!

Monday, May 01, 2006

The Eagle has Landed. .

I’m subleasing a fully furnished place for the summer and everything is great except for these f’ing birds. They make more noise then a Mexican at a soccer game, and they’ll undoubtedly shit all over my car. I’ve only been Waco a couple hours and I’m already premeditating murder.

Went to Crickets for dinner with my father and the Buffalo chicken sandwich was a good selection. For all you connoisseurs of fine Waco cuisine, it paired nicely with a pyramid Hef. and French fries. As an added bonus, our cute waitress offered to show me around town. I know she just wanted a larger gratuity, which of course I forced my father to give; but a boy can dream.

The future is looking bright. Tomorrow I might take my father to the zoo, or Dr. Pepper Museum if he’s lucky. After that, maybe play golf and check out the Texas Rangers Hall of Fame.

Swanburg Out