Prof. Contracts Strikes Back

The Contracts II exam was over nearly 11 hours ago and I’m still scratching my head about that first question.

The first time I read it I thought, “Fuck, did I accidentally just spend the last couple days studying a coloring book?” The second time I read it I thought, “My God Swanburg, if your not going to write anything you might as well color him a fucking picture.” Third time I read it, a girl in the front row got up to puke. That’s when I knew I wasn’t alone.

Questions two and three weren’t nearly as bad but seriously, where did that first question come from?

I mean, it’s not like Prof. Contracts would sit in his car pretending it was a spaceship and it’s not like he’d sit there going, “phew, phew, phew, I’m going to get you space demons” and it’s not like he’d get up from that and go write an exam question. Right?

A Must Read Article

Law school isn’t funny but this certainly is:






". . . .And that kids, that's the story behind why I can never go back to Disneyland. Any other questions?"

In his blog, From Malibu to Waco, student Jonathan Swanburg wrote, "The
Breakfast for Dinner thing was good, so good in fact I'm left wondering why it
hasn't happened before. Each server had a custom embroidered apron, tall white
chef hat, and the demeanor of a giddy school child."

Jeremy Counseller wouldn't claim giddiness, but he did say the event really was fun and that if an academic life doesn't work out for him, he can get a job as a "gravy server."

This is not a quote from my mom, dad or even the Lariat. This is a quote from the Baylor Administration. In fact, this article comes right before, “Baylor Researcher Creates First Temperature Record for the North American Great Plains - Says Results "Unexpected."


I’d love to hear the interview with Prof. CivPro:

Interviewer: Mr. Swanburg said you had a giddy demeanor.
Prof. CivPro: Have you ever met Swanburg?
Interviewer: No.
Prof. CivPro: Well I figured as much cause if you had, you’d know he doesn’t know what the hell he’s talking about.
Interviewer: So you weren’t giddy?
Prof CivPro: Do I look like I was giddy? You know I kicked him out of class on the VERY first day?
Interviewer: So can I say you had a good time?
Prof CivPro: You know what I used to write on top of my exams?
Interviewer: (confused)
Prof CivPro: "I’m a Badass." And you can take that one to the bank.
Interviewer: Ok, so I’ll say the event was really fun.
Prof CivPro: No, I mean, don’t get me wrong, I was one hell of a gravy server . . . probably the most badass gravy server ever.
Interviewer: Alright well I think that’s enough for now. Thanks
Prof. CivPro: No, thank you.

Blogging for Blogging's Sake

“I want a trophy wife but not one that takes all my money. If a trophy wife was like a car she’d be like . . . she’d be like a Jaguar; beautiful to look at but breaking down all the time and costing me a lot of money. What I need is a Toyota. I don’t mind a, you know, a sort of frumpy Toyota, as long as she has my back during my final climactic shootout.”

- Chicago on Marriage

I’m obviously miserable. Turning long-winded Chicago quotes into sexual innuendo is kind of what miserable people do . . . that and blog from a second floor cubicle in the library.

In closing, I leave you with two more quotes. Pick the one you prefer and go with it:

1) “The bitterness of studying is preferable to the bitterness of ignorance”

-Anon

2) “Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that's my point.”

-Jack Handy

In Preparation for Final #1

The fact I find this video fantastic is probably the same reason I'm not allowed to give tours of BLS; but that is neither here nor there.

If you’re one of those people who has a hard time figuring out the appropriate course of action following your last exam, may I recommend taking pointers from the individual at 1 minute 48 seconds.

**Update**

The Breakfast for Dinner thing was good, so good in fact I’m left wondering why it hasn’t happened before. Each server had a custom embroidered apron, tall white chef hat, and the demeanor of a giddy school child.

I didn’t have a camera to capture the event, so I’m banking on someone else to supply a picture. (Maybe the wonderful Ms. Creed?)

I must get back to studying, but before I do, I leave you with this less-than-anonymous quote of the evening:

“They put me on muffin duty. I’m the muffin man. I brought my own brownies but they wouldn’t let me serve them. So for muffins we’ve got banana-nut, poppy . . . not the good kind, and chocolate chip.”

**Update: Ask and You Shall Receive**

A Beacon of Change

There is nothing eminently funny or entertaining about law school; anyone who has spent time wondering if their em dash looks italicized knows this. Thankfully, that doesn’t stop the Administration and Faculty from trying.

For example:

Today we had four hours of CrimPro. Besides the “Miranda Dance” and the phrase “attenuation of taint,” (hehehe . . . taint) there is nothing inherently amusing about four hours of CrimPro. Someone realized this and our efforts were rewarded with pizza.

On a larger scale, in an attempt to personify the phrase, “We Serve You,” tonight, some of the professors and Deans will put on chefs’ hats and serve the students breakfast for dinner from the hours of 10 - 12.

A few months back, many complained that the second and third floors put themselves before the first. It appears someone listened. Free food with the added personal touch is certainly a step in the right direction.

Tonight when I’m studying, I may not be able to laugh about covenants of seisen or an ejusdem generis but I will probably laugh about attenuation of taint (gets me every time) and the Dean will be wearing a funny hat; in the big scheme of things, that’s all that really matters.

If you’re looking for comedy and it isn't too late, turn on channel 26 where you'll find Baylor v. Kansas in basketball. I just received an IM that reads:

“Baylor Mens Basketball looks like a bunch of midget autistic children trying to compete in team rhythmic gymnastics. They are 1 for 16 shooting and have scored 3 points in 11 minutes.”

Law School Celebrity Turns 23

Cheers to you Mr. Chicago. Your keen eye for detail is only surpassed by your whit, charm, and Romanesque beauty. We here at FM2W wish you the most joyous of birthdays. May you live long and prosper.








(Chicago Photo Courtesy of Facebook)

Baylor Undergrad Suffers Early Onset Alzheimer’s

Remember back in the day, how you’d go on those Sunday night benders and drive around till you forgot where you lived? Remember how sometimes you’d get so messed up that you’d park in the wrong driveway and then just take a random guess as to which apartment was your own? Remember how you’d get really stoned and spend the next five hours repeating, “Then how come monkeys haven’t evolved into humans by now?”

No? Well then you and my neighbor’s friend may have absolutely nothing in common.

To make a long story short, someone blocked my driveway and I missed today’s CrimPro. I took my revenge in the form of a note that read simply:

“Thanks for blocking me in. As strange as it may sound, I keep a car in the garage and not a bicycle, Segway, or space-age flying machine as you may have originally conjectured. I missed my 9:15 class.

Thanks,

-Jon; Unit 628.”

Kind as he was, the perpetrator took my note and gloriously waxed poetic across the back, carefully placing it on my front door:

“Sorry man. I would have totally moved my car this morning but I couldn’t find it. I guess I drove hear [sic] and walked home. If it makes you feel better I missed my class too.”

[Unsigned]

All things considered, I have a lot to be thankful for. A guy like that could have easily mistaken my house for a large bird and who knows what would have happened then.

The "End Game"

Sometimes, when I get lonely and I Love New York isn’t on, I do things besides touching my . . . um . . . law school stuff. Anyway, one of those things I like to do is math.

Up through Thursday, January 17th, we had only read 127 pages in CrimPro. I know what you’re thinking; you were thinking that’s neat. I was thinking the same thing. Then I looked at the “End Game” handout and it says here we have 137 pages to go.

The final is Saturday. Between now and then there are two official class days, two make-ups, and one review.

The computations are complicated so rather than confuse you, I’ll simply recommend you pack a lunch and a clean set of clothes. We’re going to be awhile.

And to think Thomas called his less-than-half finished outline "polished ." What a loser.

It's not you, it's Me

“I feel like the teacher on Charlie Brown” announced Prof. Property, “and all you hear is Wah, Wah, Wah . . . Wah, Wah . . . Wah, Wah, Wah.”

I thought about that one for a second and you are so right . . . so right, but so not alone. I can’t understand anything or anyone this time of year. I got stood up in Contracts today and if I didn’t know any better, I might think I’d replaced my textbook with Mad-Libs and my notes with a step-by-step guide to impersonating the mentally less fortunate.

If I draw the finger on the back of my notebook and hold it up during class, you’ll know you’ve done something wrong. Until then, just know it isn’t your fault.

Twenty Inches of Snow and Ice Cripple Texas

Quotes of the Day:
“I’m sorry I missed class, I couldn’t figure out how to use my ice scraper.”

(A person wearing his sunglasses in class): “My eyes are very tired. I forgot to wear my glasses on the way to school and the snow glare was very stressful on my eyes.”

“It took me forever to get to school today. The roads weren’t so bad as much as I had to drive with my head out the window. If I went over 30 I thought I would freeze to death.”

“You think school will be closed again tomorrow?”

The Day Hell Froze Over

I realize life isn’t always fair, but really, this, this is just cruel. I can live with the fact undergrad classes were canceled, while Law students got a mere two hour delay and I can live with the fact I forgot to check my e-mail prior to driving five minutes to school, but seriously CrimPro has been moved from 9:15 to 3:30 and I’m devastated.

If you’ve never had Prof. CrimPro you can’t understand my plight.

Generally, 9:15 CrimPro is only over after the 10:30 professor storms in and marches around for awhile. That being said, there are no classes after 3:30, and thus, no professor to save us; no real reason for him to stop talking; no real reason for him not to extend our hour and five minute session into a ten hour endeavor.

Did I mention we have LAPP right before that?

Moral of the story, instead of a snow day we get a snow job. Get it snow job; an attempt to deceive or persuade by using flattery or exaggeration. High five! So you can drive to school and risk your life or do what I do: Not risk your life and be a stud in the sack.

Gunning for Greatness

Many of the Spring starters have already landed in Waco and many are ready to get down to business; the business of pre-1L libations. I know this because they have their own Facebook group. Here, check it out for yourself.

Thomas is well on his way to establishing himself as, “That Guy.”

Forgive and Forget

The classmate mentioned in the post below made a few mistakes BUT I don’t think he intended any harm. He isn’t the harm intending type. He has apologized, explained the misunderstanding and all is well. As for the date and I, things are wonderful.

As for pictures from law prom, I'll leave you with one.

Not the best picture but you get the idea. The idea being that my haircut needs some work, my date needs a tan and that corsage on her wrist . . . didn't get me anywhere.

But yea . . . I can say things like that because I'm TOTALLY KIDDING about everything, everything except my hair.

Story From Law Prom

Law prom was incredibly fun but a couple classmates lost their goddamned minds.

Take two seconds to think about the shittiest thing you’ve ever done to someone out on a date. Got it? If your answer comes anywhere close to telling the guys date, who you don’t know, that the guy is a man-whore who takes pleasure in fucking girls over . . . grab a fork and stab yourself in the neck. Do it. Don’t think about it just do it.

If you’re still reading this and you were one of the people to say such things to my date last night, you obviously missed the part about the fork.

And if you thought lines like, “Wow, Swanburg really has a thing for the neighbors” or “You’re way too smart to be dating Swanburg, he normally likes the dumb ones” were appropriate, you were wrong.

But that does not come close to taking any cake. No cake for you people. No cake. Not even close. The cake goes to the classmate that made my date his own.

While I was off buying drinks and talking to some people, I look over and this guy has his hand on my date's back. I think nothing of it. I go over, hand her a drink, place a few bets, kiss her on her head and talk to a few people behind me. I turn around, and again, the hand is on her back. I take a few steps away and further observe the situation with others. I laughed it off. When my date heard I was a slut I stopped laughing. I also stopped laughing when were walking to the car and he gave my date his jacket. He happened to be our D.D. for the night so he took us back to my place where I was having people over.

At this point, my corsage clad date didn’t want to talk to me so she went three doors down to her place and I followed her. We were both kind of tipsy and things went kind of poorly. I came back to my apartment, had some words with the guy who had been hitting on her, and listened to his side of the story. Apparently every time I’d walk away she’d come over to him and he was just trying to help me out.

I know this is long but don’t stop reading, it’s about to get good. This morning, I went over to her place and we worked things out.

So there we are, taking a nap upstairs when the doorbell rings. I run down to answer and you’ll never guess who it was. MY FUCKING CLASSMATE!!!! I shit you not; the one hitting on my date was now at her house . . . You can’t make this stuff up.

We didn’t really talk long enough to figure out why he was there, but why he was there was almost irrelevant at that point. He drove fifteen minutes in the pouring rain when a Facebook message would’ve sufficed, he didn’t call me prior to showing up at my date's house, and the night before, when he asked if I wanted him to talk to her, I specifically said “No I don’t want you near her.” And how he knew which apartment was her's remains to be seen.

But yea . . . that was law prom. S.B.A. did an awesome job of putting it on, and I can’t thank them enough. The cock blocking wasn’t their fault. When I get some pictures of the shindig I’ll put them up.

Has Anyone Seen 007?

I thought my classmate in the post below was the only one confused, but such is not the case.

In L.A., the gay guy who cut my hair would never ask what I wanted, he’d just throw out a couple celebrity names, say he was combining them and go to work. The girl I normally go to here in Waco is satisfied when I say I want my hair short and messy. Sadly, she was booked and I got a lady who asked for directions.

Lady: “So how do you want it?”
Me: “Short and messy.”
Lady: “Like how short and messy?”
Me: “Um I guess I’m going for a David Beckham / James Bond kind of look if that makes any sense.”
Lady: “Alright, so is that a 2 or a 3?”
Me: “I don’t know what you mean?”
Lady: “On the buzzer 2 or 3?”
Me: “Ummm . . . 3?”

Turns out James Bond, David Beckham and a 3 is code for a 14-year old lesbian.

Just thought you should know.

What Not to Wear

Classmate: “Swanburg, you should totally get your date a Mum?”
Me: “A what?”
Classmate: “OMG . . . WTF . . . YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT A
MUM IS?”
Me: “Would James Bond get his date a Mum cause that’s kind of what I’m going for?”
Classmate: “It’s more of a homecoming thing but yea.”


A quick search of Google reveals that at least one of my classmates is insane . . . absolutely fucking insane.

Other than maybe Flava Flav, and the last place finisher in the Extra-Special Olympics, I can’t imagine anyone wearing this. Ever. Not even if MC Hammer wore this on the cover of Please Hammer, Don’t Hurt Em would anyone else have worn such a thing.

Garters and Mums. You people crack me up.

Law Prom Preview

From what I gather, Law Prom is kind of like the high school version except the line, “But it’s Prom and I love you” no longer works.

This year’s theme is Casino Royal and there will be ten tables for blackjack, one for craps, one for roulette, and two for Hold 'Em. Upon arrival, SBA will be giving everyone fake money to gamble with and at the end of the night, the people with the most money can win Mavs / Rockets tickets, an Ipod, spa packages, Target gift cards, and more.

Bring your finest attire to the Texas Ranger Museum on Friday night at 8, have a couple drinks, gamble and make up for the unfortunate incident that was your senior prom.

It Pays to be Special

Prof. LAPP kept yelling and at points, I feared paying attention would induce either seizures or Tourette's. An hour later there was hope.

“If you have no idea what’s going on” he says, as I sit there with my glassy look of incompetence, “then you are doing great. When you do the reading tonight and you don’t understand it, your doing absolutely terrific.”

After thinking about that one for a second I've decided I’m obviously fucking brilliant.

I don’t know my ass from a hot administrative rock and my notes resemble a Rorschach Test. I probably understand less right now than the improbable offspring of Mike Tyson and Tara Reid and for the first time in my life it feels tremendous.

From what I gather, as long as I don’t regularly soil myself, I’m well on my way to greatness.

Dear Super Anonymous Admirer,

The Hallmark card you left in my mail folder, complete with white envelope and witty, alcohol related Christmas insights, brightened my day . . . until I realized it was conspicuously devoid of any personalization; not even so much as a name.

For now I’ll pretend this card was meant for me and wish you Merry Christmas in return.

Love,

Swanburg

Effects of Terrorism

Apparently five units here at Bandera were robbed on Christmas Eve and new security measures are being implemented. The gate code will be eliminated and replaced with a phone entry system while each unit’s parking spots are being limited to the unit’s number of bedrooms.

Although my place is one bedroom with no land-line, and my parties may be going the way of Scruff’s, Wednesday nights, and the dinosaurs, I shouldn’t be upset. The thought of safety makes me giddy and nothing screams safety like limited parking . . . absolutely nothing.

So yea . . . law prom.

Originally the plan was to bring a bunch of dates and by dates I mean semi-illiterate bombshells. But I’m not. I promise. There will be one and only one and she can totally read . . . and talk . . . in English . . . I think.

Big Change in the New Year

My fourth quarter schedule includes five classes on Thursday, one of which goes down at eight. This is nothing less than a death sentence for a once promising career in karaoke and a once thriving bar called Scruffy’s.

The preseason forecasters are predicting a move to Treff’s for either Two-Dollar-Tuesdays or Piano-Man-Thursdays but it’s still too early to tell. Big Al’s just opened a few feet from Tom’s Tavern and the place absolutely reeks of potential.

But enough about that. We have law prom in like five days and I really shouldn’t be thinking about anything else.