A New Record

Like running a marathon through the fields of Felluja, Ms. Richmond was stood up for a little over two hours [of what is supposed to be an hour and a half class] as the Prof. attempted to blow her the f-up. Thirty minutes in she was assigned a memo and every twenty minutes thereafter, a new topic was tacked on for the hell of it.

From where I was sitting it sounded like he was having fun. But then again, since I never look up, every time I hear the word A-judi-cate I think the class is being taught by a cross between the Hillbilly Ninja and Dr. Phil. [see below].



And congrats to everyone done with the Bar. Go enjoy yourself.

Hey, Hatchet. How my Dic-tate?

At one point during today’s advocacy lecture, I felt like I was an extra in a high-budget, school-fetish porno. If you’re like me and watch a lot of high-budget school-fetish porno, you know they all start the same. Prof. PC II steps into the second row, people get quiet and then it begins:

Prof: Do you mind, Mr. Hatchet?
Mr. Hatchet: [silent approval]
Prof: [grabbing him by the hair and pulling back his head] See. You have to take them by the head, lean them back, open their mouths, and shove the questions down their throats.
Mr. Hatchet: [scared but longing to please]
Prof: Open your mouth Hatchet.
Mr. Hatchet: [opening his mouth]
Prof: I mean really shove them. Wider, Hatchet.
Mr. Hatchet: [opening his mouth wider]
Prof: You see. Once you get them to open their mouth you need shove your arguments down their throats until you hit stomach acid.
Mr. Hatchet: [awkward gargling noise]
Prof: [letting go of his hair] Thank you, Mr. Hatchet.

In a surprising plot twist, no memos and no anal.

The Start of Week 3

After reading until some terrible hour last night and failing this morning’s quiz with unprecedented ease, I’ve decided that PC I is undoubtedly worse than PC II. I don’t know whether it’s the material in combination with the impossibly lengthy assignments or the professor’s euphemistic use of “good morning,” and “we’ll be in touch,” but I enter and leave the class feeling sodomized and I haven’t actually been called on.

Since People Seem to Care

93 teams entered the Net Impact Competition and the 20 teams below made it to the second round.

Rice University
MIT
University of Virginia
Northwestern
Washington State University
HEC Montreal
Dartmouth
George Washington University (2)
Clairemont Graduate University
University of North Carolina
Bainbridge Graduate Institute
University of British Columbia
UC-Berkeley
Duke University
Harvard Business School
UC-Berkeley
Michigan State University (2)
University of Baylor

That’s as far as we got. As a team, Clairmont beat us on their way to winning the tournament; and as an individual, just about everyone beat me on the way to having a fulfilling life.

Me: Are you going snowboarding after this?
Northwestern Student: Yea. I’m actually in my third year of law school so it’s not a big deal that I’m skipping class and going boarding until Wednesday.
Me: Go fuck yourself.

And just like that . . . I'll never be invited back.

Using My First Absence

Tonight I’m leaving for The Net Impact case competition sponsored by Vail Resorts and hosted by the business school at UC Boulder. I’m hoping to have better luck than the girl who, today, was kicked out of class and given 19 hours to write a 25 page memo on the Reply-Letter Doctrine.

If This Doesn't Encourage People, Nothing Will

Baylor Law Review sent out an official school-wide email to prospective candidates that awesomely started as follows:

THE BAYLOR LAW REVIEW WRITE-ON COMPETITION

A Chance at Almost as Much Prestige as Going to UT

Second-Year Students: You may have missed the grade-on, but you can still be on the Baylor Law Review. Your research skills will improve. Your citations will become pristine. The employers that used to ignore you will be dying to hire you. Members of the opposite sex will continue to ignore you.

Things Are Never Really Good

Earlier I had intentions of writing a post about the professor canceling today’s afternoon class but its 12:30, I’m not done with the reading, and my last notes of the day say, “For tomorrow, be prepared to put exhibits into evidence, make objections, lay predicate, and secure the admission of written exhibits.”

I don’t know even know what that means.

Encore Presentation

A firm believer in the phrase, “If you don’t kick ‘em when they’re down, they might get up,” Prof. Powell recalled ALL of yesterday’s victims for another round. HOORAY!!!

First, Jake-The Memo Snake – McDonald was cordially invited to rewrite his previous efforts and update his research; second, Ms. Yen received the punitive writing assignment she avoided yesterday; and third, the soon-to-be newlyweds endured another round of relationship training.

I dare someone else to yawn.

PC Rules to Live By

Comments in the earlier post provided an assortment of anecdotes for PC students so I compiled and reprinted them below. Add more if you have any but the odds of coming up with something better than #12 are low.

1. Don't say "I don't know" when called on

2. Don't say "I guess" when answering a question

3. Don't completely shut down, don't stall...keep thinking and look like you know what you are doing.

4. Reading early or reading ahead for PC is a futile waste of time. Read the assignment the night before.

5. Do not volunteer in Powell's class. Period. No matter how simple or fun the question sounds - you will get a memo.

6. If you want to be used in many hypos and get called on for those hypos, sit in the front, center row. This may mean less responsibility for the material in Powell's class alone.

7. After Wren calls on you, you are likely safe for a few weeks. This is not the case with Powell.

8. Have all the rulebooks and materials with you for every class. For Powell, focus on the rules and statutes. For Wren, focus on the caselaw.

9. Do not sit in a seat along the aisle.

10. Make sure you get a good seat so that the douche bags next to you don't result in you being called on.

11. Try as hard as possible to keep your name out of Powell's mouth in all things.

12. Do not wear loud colors or patterns of attire. This attracts their attention. Dark colors are good if you sit in a crowd, lighter colors to match the paint if you sit near the wall.

13. Sit low in your chair

14. When called on, its better to say the wrong thing with confidence that the right thing with uncertainty. PC teaches you how to BS your way through public speaking - learn it early.

14. If you can't BS with confidence, then "Stonewalling" may work, which is stalling or being silent as you studying your materials after he asks a question that stumps you.

15. Keep your head down AND look busy. Write as much as you can. He seems to call on people who look either 1) like they are not paying attention or 2) like they have the material down so well that they don't think they need to take notes.

16. Do not make eye contact.

17. Just get through it. How you do in class is no reflection on how you'll do on the final.

Never Sit Next to Your Fiancé in PC

A guy tried to help his fiancé while she was stood silently confused. If this was a Disney story there might have been a happy ending where the guy takes the brunt, the girl sits down, and they live happily ever after. Unfortunately this is PC and tonight they’re both briefing five years of cases related to “The Rule.”

It All Starts With a Yawn

About an hour into class a student in the back row was called out for sleeping. The professor asked him to stand and he did. Ten minutes later he was asked a couple questions, assigned a memo, and then allowed to keep standing. He wasn’t done. A few minutes later the professor came back with a few more questions, the student got a few wrong, and the professor invited him to use the break between classes to research the issue and prepare to report back on the subject at 1.

At 1, as promised, the professor stood him up and he reported on his research. He got things correct. Then he was asked a few more questions. He got a couple things wrong. He was then promptly removed from class and allowed to start on his memo.

As he packed his stuff to leave, the professor invited the next person to speak as follows:

Prof: How about you, Ms. Lee? . . . Ms. Yee? . . . What’s your name?
Asian Student: Ms. Yen. Like the currency.
Prof: Alright, Ms. Yen like the currency. Time to find out how much you’re worth.

Things Aren't All Bad

Last night I fell asleep around 8 [somehow felt like the best Friday evening I’ve had in years] and the PR memo rescission mentioned in the previous post was actually the second of the day. In PC I a girl had been sat down and assigned a memo until the professor realized he’d been thinking of the wrong case. He even sort of apologized.

Which reminds me of a quote from CSI Vegas, when the serial killer was asked how he controlled his victims:

“Once they think they’re going to die, give them a chance to live . . . no matter small, and they’ll thank you. You can make them do whatever you want and they’ll thank you.”

That Was Relaxing

Something weird happened in PR yesterday. As generally recalled below, the professor went from jokes and pleasantries, to a vituperative attack on a poor soul that asked the same question one too many times.

Maybe it was the shock of the unexpected, like the family golden retriever maiming its loving owner, but the event stands out as one of the worst verbal assaults I’ve been unlucky enough to hear:

Student: But I don’t understand how part (c) requires . . . .
Prof: Now you’re just pricking with me.
Student: No, sir. I’m really sorry. I was just confused.
Prof: When I answer something I answer it once. I’ve answered this question three times now. I told you the answer and you don’t like it.
Student: I’m sorry. I was just confused.
Prof: YOU’RE JUST PRICKING WITH ME! STAND UP!!
Student: I’m sorry. Really. I’m really sorry.
Prof: I MAY BE A NICE GUY BUT I’M ALSO A FEDERAL JUDGE AND YOU’RE NOT GOING TO PRICK WITH ME!!!!
Student: I wasn’t I was just confused.
Prof: DO YOU WANT ME TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTION ONE MORE TIME?
Student: No, sir. I’m sorry.
Prof: I’M GOING TO ANSWER IT ONE MORE TIME BUT YOU BETTER EXPLAIN YOUR QUESTION IN A WAY I CAN UNDERSTAND!!!!!!
Student: You don’t need to answer it. I’m sorry.
Prof: WE’RE GOING TO TALK ABOUT IT ONE MORE TIME!!! NOW YOU BETTER EXPLAIN TO ME IN A WAY I CAN UNDERSTAND!!!
Student: I was just confused how . . . .
Prof: I ALREADY GAVE YOU THE RULE AND YOU DON’T SEEM TO LIKE IT!!! TO MAKE SURE YOU UNDERSTAND IT, AND MAKE SURE YOU’RE NOT CONFUSED, WRITE ME A MEMO.
Student: Yes, sir.

Then it was over. The life had been sucked out of the room, the professor moved on to the next rule of professional responsibility, and the students were quiet. Five minutes later, the professor stopped mid-sentence to apologetically rescind the memo but the damage was done. PR has been added to the list of classes in which you should never raise your hand.

Thursdays at a Top 25 Law School

In the name of expediency I’ll just reprint [without explicit permission] an e-mail forwarded to me by a BLS grad now doing his LLM at Emory. Because, you know, I don’t have time to write things on my own and I like making people feel terrible about life:

Hello All -

What is it gonna take to get some of y'all out to Bar Reviews? I see the same (awesome) people every night. Are y'all scared? Don't be. Are you a nervous 1L? Please child. In the words of the great social philosopher Whoopi Goldberg from the epic movie Sister Act II: Back in the Habit, "nothing is impossible as long as you carry with you a little bit of faith and a big roll of electrical tape." By popular demand, all three Bar Reviews this weekend are places you can bob your head / dance / get your swerve on / grind on the unsuspecting.

Thursday Keg - 3:15pm - Bacardi Plaza - This Thursday's Thursday Keg is brought to you by SLS, Student Legal Services. Do you like sitting alone waiting for no one to walk in? Do you need another line on your resume? Give SLS a call.

Thursday Bar Review - 11pm - El Bar - Poncey-Highlands - 939 Ponce De Leon Ave 30306 (behind El Azteca (translation: The Azteca)) - Far, far, far too many people have not been to El Bar. El Bar is about the size of my living room, except El Bar does not have a television or a museum-caliber collection of dodo bird skulls. A night at El Bar goes a little like this. "Hey, why are we walking behind this Mexican restaurant? Why are all these people in line to walk into that refrigerator? Why are they charging cover? Oh, I don't have to pay if I am an Emory Law student? Sweet. Holy crap this little place is cool.
What's that? Five dollars get's me a shot of whiskey AND a Miller Lite you say? I'll have eleventy three. Do you wanna dance with me? That's cool. Your boyfriend can dance with me too. I'm a lawyer. I do spaceship law. We have an office on the moon."

Friday Bar Review - 11pm - Door 44 - Midtown - 44 12th Street (in between Crescent Ave and Peachtree Walk) - This is our first mixer with the B School this semester. Apparently they don't have any jobs either, so expect less "I have an American Express black card, can I buy you some champagne?" And more, "I bought my hair gel at the CVS, but I will still stalk you." You can dance there, too. If you are lucky, you may even run into birthday girl [XXX]. Just don't ask her to dance.
Tall girls look like angry birds when they dance. No cover w/ Emory ID before midnight.

Saturday Bar Review - 11pm - Bazaaar - Midtown - 654 Peachtree Street (immediately next to the FOX Theater at Ponce de Leon and Peachtree).
Bazaar is like a regular nightclub, if you are a international arms dealer and live in Casablanca. Some fly European DJs and comfy velvet chairs greet you after you get in for free with Emory ID. I am working on some drink specials too and will email you with an update.

Kisses,

- [XXX]

Never Raise Your Hand

This afternoon in PC II the professor asked a question and nobody wanted to answer. After a few long seconds, a brave gentleman in the back spoke up and correctly answered. To everyone’s surprise, the brave gentleman was thanked and allowed to sit down.

Then it happened.

The professor immediately called on the gentleman’s girlfriend, skipped over a few hundred pages of reading, went to the last case, and asked her to talk about it. She flipped for awhile before admitting it was the only case she hadn’t read.

Then this conversation happened:

Prof (with concern in his voice): You didn’t read it. Why didn’t you read it?
Girl: I’m sorry. I just ran out of time.
Prof (inquisitively): Did you go to sleep last night?
Girl: Yes
Prof (firmly): Then you didn’t run out of time. You just didn’t do it. Go get yourself a big cup of coffee and meet me after class. You’re going to need it.

Other than that, only one other person got a memo today. FML

Update: Day 2

The five minutes it takes to post this will be the only five minutes I’ve spent on the computer today. I haven’t read any news, watched any television, laughed at any jokes, or replied to any e-mails - yet its somehow midnight and I’m still behind on the reading.

Today’s Carnage:

8 Memos
1 Removal
1 Stand-up for looking sleepy faced

I Sit in the Front Row . . . Very Nervously

After the first day of PC II I’ve developed a rule of thumb: When not looking directly down at my paper, never let the eyes wander higher than the chest medallion . . . but never look closely enough to read it.

Whether it’s psychology or superstition, I think this is something that will save me.

Overall damage for the day:
2 memos
1 forced to stand for yawning
est. 9 hours of reading after class (still not quite done)

A Good Use of Time

The first day’s reading only took me about 10 hours and if called upon, I’ll probably stutter for awhile before confidentially recalling one of the two things:

1) that our very own Michael Berry represented a party in Low v. Henry; or
2) that part of a deposition read, “. . . he doesn’t bother hiding the fact that he’s screwing his students. I am shocked that a school like Baylor would allow it, even if she is a graduate student.”

If the professor is looking for something else, I’ll admit to missing the forest for two awkward little trees and hope for the best.

Greatest Website Ever

Today, I was eating ice cream and I noticed some on my jeans so I wiped it off with my finger and licked it. It was bird shit. FML

Today, at the elementary school where I teach, the kids all voted for their favorite teacher. I was the only one to receive zero votes. When I asked a small group of students why no one voted for me, one boy replied "because you're the ugliest". FML

These and other statements from people with miserable lives can be found at Fmylife.com. Enjoy.

I Need to Work on My Celebrations

Last night I went to a party [I’m told I was fun], had about four too many cocktails, got a ride home, went to the bathroom, used my ass to shatter the only toilet in my home, and let the place flood before realizing I could turn off the water.

Sounds like I’m ready for PC.

Post-Finals, Pre-Bender

Without much further ado, when I return from wherever this evening takes me, it’s 2 to 1 odds I’ll be setting this blog to private; 3 to 1 odds I puke on my keyboard in the process.

If you want to keep reading and haven’t already asked for the invite, e-mail me and I’ll hook it up.

It's Nice to Have Options.

You can get a head start on your reading by logging onto Blackboard and downloading the syllabi for PC I and II. 68 pages; No rules; No guidelines; Just assignments.

Orrrrrrr you could be like me and still have two finals left.

There They Are

Being a lower quarter and talking about PC is like hypothetically discussing getting punched in the face. It’s easy to sound tough, it’s easy to tell people what you’d do, how you’d react, how you’d punch back then steal the attacker’s girlfriend and whatnot. Then one day you sign up for PC and you get knocked-the-f*ck-out by a giant stack of binders. Or something like that.

This is an actual image of my PC materials minus a few rule books.

Looks educational.