T-Shirt Contest

Because I know you care, here is a list of the proposed shirt ideas. I’m not sure if it’s the list we will be voting on but as far as I know, these are all the ideas submitted. My personal favorites, not including my own, include 24 & 27.

1) Things I learned in the Serr-A-Thon:
1) Review, Refresh, Re-Prepare

2) There are some things more important than catching criminals

3) Better stay out of Hom’s Way

4) You get the time off; you don’t get the work off.

5) Shooter, Shootee, Gun… Shooter, Shootee Gun.

6) One, Two, Never More Than a Few

7) IRAC = Win

8) Way Back Back Back
9) Framers, you da bomb.

10) Catch you on the Flip Flop, Copper!

2) Intervention for Lawyer Wanna-bes
3) Qua Guadium Praecessat Morior. (Latin for where fun goes to die)
4) I’ve Been Excused (to be appreciated by PC and post-PC students)
5) If Newsweek factored in pain and suffering, we’d be #1
6) Picture or names of Powell, Wren and Osler, with the caption: The Axis of Evil
7) A little bit arrogance, a little bit genius
8) Where Masochists Go to Learn
9) Where Baptists Prove God Hates You
10) Taking it Doggy Style Never Felt So Bad
11) Like Middle School For Old People
12) The Only Math That Matters is 40%
13) Because Self-Worth is Overrated
14) The Product of Satan, Umphrey and a Broken Prophylactic
15) A Refuge For Those That Have Been Told to Go Fuck Themselves
16) Harvard on the Brazos
17) Mrs. Degrees Welcome
18) Our Drinking School Has a Legal Problem
19) Front: Ask me no questions…Back: Post PC
20) Front: Picture of Justice Ginsburg with the caption: RUTH

Back: Get it right, keep it tight
21) Sex Can Wait, Litigate!
22) Picture of Bates v. question mark, followed by the caption: Attack Me If You Dare…I Will Crush You
23) We Think We’re Better Than You…(either a chart comparing Law School Bar passage rates or a list of Baylor’s passage rates over the last 5 years)Because We Are!
24) You know the end of Braveheart? It’s kind of like that.
25) "There shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth, when ye shall see Powell, and Wren, and Osler, and all the profs, in the kingdom of Practice Court, and you yourselves thrust out." (Baylor Law 3:L)
26) When I die

I’ll Go to Heaven,

Because I’ve Spent My Time in Hell
27) I would like to retract my previous shirt slogans. They were in bad taste and though meant to be jokes, I don’t want any hint of irreverence toward the Law School to be apparent. Thank you. [emphasis added by me]
28) Um Is Not the Answer
29) A shorter and more correct answer would have been ‘no’
30) Practice Court: The Practical Application of I.I.E.D.

A Quick Night Cap

Last night was an epic occasion, highlighted by Mark Reitmeier aka DJ Camo Hat’s three impromptu performances. Boys in the Hood, Ice Ice Baby and The Humpty Dance were all sung with a Paul Wall-esque mumble and a Prince-like flamboyance. Besides that, it was all Piano Man and I.

I say I because I did a lot of dancing; the kind of dancing that requires a thumb, pointer finger and alcohol. The next SBA event is Immunity Day and from what I gather, it will be held at the Camron Park Zoo and involve monkeys.

In other news, our softball team lost tonight’s game to Ex Parte in My Pants and IPLawGuy and I are now Facebook official friends. While the latter event is somewhat exciting, tonight’ loss brings our combined intramural record to approximately 1 – 100 and as you can imagine, many of players on Team Malpractice are distraught.

Now on to the brief because that’s the kind of thing we do around here, but to cheer myself up I’ve included this picture; It proves that the love of my life has low standards and that’s the sort of thing that helps me sleep at night.

.

Waco We Do!

I should be doing homework but thanks to the good folks at BearMeat, I have much weightier matters to attend to.

Except for the part where they try to exemplify Waco’s diversity by showing the only minorities in the ad not looking so happy to be riding horses to school, this is obviously the greatest YouTube video EVER.

But don’t start screaming Waco We Do just yet. There is a criminal or two amongst us. Go to BearMeat for the rest of the article and commentary but the gist of a recent Waco Craigslist ad reads something like this:

“Cindy and Stephanie are now in their early 40's they were strippers and heavy cocaine users in their early twenties. Apparantly [sic] their pimps got them involved to steal my copyrights and patents. How do I know these hookers? Went to high school with them. $10,000 reward for thier [sic] whereabouts.”

Prof. CrimPro always says “There are some things more important than catching criminals” but in this case, I really don’t know. I’m going to find these heavy cocaine using strippers and bring them to justice . . . the kind of justice found in those nighttime pay-per-view shows.

Spring Law Buddy Social

Normally, Piano Man is a $5 cover and you can’t get in . . . tonight I’m guessing that won’t be the case.

This evening’s Law Buddy Social starts at 9:30 and will continue indefinitely with much hoopla amongst the masses; and I hope you like the word hoopla because I certainly do. I also like the word defenestrate but hadn’t found occasion to use it in a sentence until just then.

Anyway, Law Buddy isn’t so much about making friends as it is about partying, and passing down notes, outlines, and the occasional story beginning, “When I was a 1Q . . . .”

But I’m not getting a law buddy and I’ve been told it’s for the best. Passing along everything I know would be fun, but everything I know would help a new law student as much as giving him a broken condom and a pine cone and unless that student happens to be McGuiver, he’s going to fail.

You can show up to sing songs with Piano Man, or not sing and watch me imbibe in a lonely corner; the choice is yours.

Property II Grades

While I was gone, the Property II grades came back. You’ll notice a touch of new and a touch of old.

A 9
A- 14
B+ 15
B 32
B- 13
C+ 2
C 7
D 1
F 2

It looks like it should average out to somewhere around a 3.0. I could be totally wrong but I'm not.

A Cry for Help

I’ll be spending the weekend shaking my huge shilallee on the beach in Florida . . . and we’re talking HUGE.

If you feel the need to call me or send love notes via text you’re more than welcome but this post isn’t about me, it’s about you. I’m not going to be around to moderate the comments till Sunday, so don’t write anything stupidly offensive, but I’m curious how the quarter is treating people so far.

If a spring starter or two could leave there initial impressions and maybe a PC slave could find the time to express honestly what their life has become, I’d be more than interested to find out. Even if you're somewhere in between, feel free to comment. Your opinion matters to someone.

Until Sunday . . . keep it classy BLS . . . keep it classy.

T-Shirt Contest

Baylor Law is having a t-shirt design contest and I’m thinking I could make a pretty good t-shirt. Unfortunately, I’m not much in the way of appropriate so my chances of winning are minimal. However, if I were to make a shirt it would probably read a little something like this:

Baylor Law: Where Masochists Go To Learn
Baylor Law: Where Baptists Prove God Hates You
Baylor Law: Taking it Doggie Style Never Felt So Bad
Baylor Law: Like Middle School For Old People
Baylor Law: The Only Math That Matters is 40%
Baylor Law: Because Self-Worth is Overrated
Baylor Law: The Product of Satan, Umphrey And A Broken Prophylactic
Baylor Law: A Refuge For Those That Have Been Told To Go Fuck Themselves.
Baylor Law: Harvard on the Brazos
Baylor Law: Mrs. Degrees Welcome
Baylor Law: Our Drinking School Has a Legal Problem [Courtesy of Mark]

Other suggestions welcome.

Bar Review #5

Big Als is what Disneyland would be like if they replaced the rides and children with two pool tables, four dartboards and the coldest beer in town.

It was incredible how friendly the people were. When I walked in, Mario the bartender shook my hand and thanked me for coming. After telling me about their beer selection, he introduced me to the two young owners [neither named Al], and a couple of his friends. Everyone smiled and waved like was I was special. I don’t get that a lot.

They serve beer in Big-O style, frozen chalices for $2.50 or bottles for $2 . . . or there about. My memory on the subject escapes me.

They have pool and dart tournaments on Thursday, and from what I gather, most of the players aren’t very good. I played a game or two against Miguel and Angel and their play fell short of remarkable. Great guys that high-fived me with reckless abandon throughout the night but honestly . . . I could have beat them pushing the ball with my face.

The place has been open since December but the “Grand Opening” is this Saturday (I don't get it either) and everyone is invited. They’ll be having free barbeque, DJ’s and possibly a magician. Granted the magician is just the bartender pretending to steal your nose but it’s a good fucking trick.

Summary:
It’s a great place. Good beer, nice people, and walking distance from both the Law School and my apartment. In the big scheme of things I couldn’t really ask for more. They take credit cards but have a strong preference for Texas IDs. It’s a place I’ll for sure go back to.

Basic Ratings (1 – 10) or (Very Low – Very High):

General Ambiance: 7
Things to do Besides Drink: 7
Prices: 8
Bathrooms: 7
Friendliness: 10

Drink Selection: 5

Fear Factor: Low

Amount of Fun: High

*I don’t remember anyone having a camera so there may not be pictures of the event. At least the kind of pictures one takes with a camera. Fortunately, I’ve taken the liberty of using Google Images to find a picture of a stranger drinking from a similarly sized, frosty chalice. Enjoy.

In Case You Didn't Know

The Spring starters are a strong team. They do things that strong teams do. They score runs, they make plays and they fuck up less than the still winless 4th Quarters.

I’ll elaborate more on the game tomorrow but for now rest assured we lost. I really don’t remember the score but we didn’t totally embarrass ourselves. Granted, my new girlfriend watched me foul out twice and seizure nearly every time the ball approached but that is neither here nor there. I live to see another day, and participate in this evening’s Liquidated Damages Tour.

Moral of the story: Team Malpractice: 0 – 1.
“Our drinking team has a softball problem”

Tonight’s Liquidated Damages Tour: Big Als.
“There are more important things than Law Review.”

What's in a Name

For tonight’s softball season opener, you may have noticed the 4Q team listed as “Swanburg’s Team” but rest assured that such is not the case.
A law league team is nothing without a good name. Ideally, the name encompasses a legal concept, a statement of athletic prowess, an overt sexual innuendo, an inside joke and a catchy slogan. This seasons’ team name roster includes:

1) Attractive Nuisance
2) Ex Parte In My Pants
3) 28 Strutters
4) The Bush Leaguers
5) Tortfeasers
6) Team Willis
7) Ghetto Revival
8) And my team . . . wait for it . . . wait for it . . . Team Malpractice

In case you’re wondering, this is how a name is born via e-mails:

Britt: “Our softball team name is "Team Swanburg"? That's even worse than "Werebears" or "Mere Economic Harm.”
Me: . . . I am a very modest person; the team name makes me blush, so let's come up with a new one. Here are some options: (1) Team Malpractice; (2) Team Slip and Fall; (3) Short-Bus Jockeys.
Britt: I like "Team Malpractice" because it lets us give a forks down "M" gang sign. For those of you who did not grow up in the hood, I'll show you after Bus Org.
Me: I too like team Malpractice for several reasons: (1) Malpractice refers to fucking up and not performing to a reasonable standard; (2) It sounds good -- Team Malpractice: Our Drinking Team has a Softball Problem; (3) You can flip the dub upside down and rep it while the ball hits you in the face.
Haley: I support team malpractice...especially for point number (3).
Bell: Team Slip and Fall is what most accurately describes our athletic ability as a whole.
Haley: Well hell, why don’t we just combine "team malpractice" and "team slip and fall" and make it "team dumb clumsy fucks"?
Thomas: I like the name Haley proposed or what about "the incapacitated persons"? That’s fairly all encompassing for our team considering it applies to BOTH the habitually drunk AND the incompetent.
Me: Yes but instead of flashing the upside down dub, we'd have to strum our lips making motor boat noises and nobody wants that.

And that was that.

Tonight at 7, Team Malpractice faces off against the Tortfeasors.

Feel free to describe the derivation of your team name, particularly 28 Stutters. As for “Ex Parte in my Pants” . . . brilliant . . . absolutely brilliant.

Revival of the Liquidated Damage Tour

Fear not the recent absence of bar reviews; they’re coming back. Tuesday of next week, following softball, we will be reviewing Big Als [sic] and then probably moving to $2 Tuesday at Treff’s.

Big Als [sic] is literally inches from Tom’s Tavern and from what I gather, it’s a pool hall of sorts. I keep using the [sic] but I could be wrong. The place could very well be named after multiple Big Als as the hand painted sign infers but I doubt it . . . that would be kind of weird.

If you can’t wait till next Tuesday there’s always tonight. If I understood correctly:

- 1Qs are going to $1 beers / $1 bowling at 9.
- 4Qs are going to Johnny Carino’s for a Big Momma Watkins / Little Poppa Boochers combined birthday bash at 7.
- I’m going to Wild West (new bar next to Crickets) around 10:30.
- Undergrad girls are binge drinking somewhere.

Valentine's Day and Facebook

As many of you already know, I’m fucking brilliant. Having said that, I’m warning you now, this next story may come as a surprise.


I’d been saving my free Facebook gift for a special someone’s Valentine present. It was going to be perfect.

So there I am this morning, everything is planned and ready to go when out of nowhere, Facebook decides the gift shop is “Temporarily Closed for Restocking.” What the fuck? I mean I too run out of things like digital dick-in-a-box on occasion but not on V-Day. Only an idiot would run out of things like digital dick-in-a-box on V-Day.

Anyway, after countless refreshing to no avail, I resorted to drastic measures: changing my profile’s relationship status to, “In a Relationship.” Of course, five minutes later the gift shop opened up but by then it was too late. I mean, I ended up sending her a troll too but at that point, I don’t think anyone really cared about the troll.

So now I’m in a Facebook-official relationship, all because I was too cheap to buy flowers.

Valentine's Day at BLS

Thanks to the Women’s Legal Society, repressed feelings of teen angst have resurfaced throughout the law school; way to go girls, way--to--go.

Remember back in middle school and high school how people could send Valentine’s gifts to people in school and one’s popularity and sense of self worth was based solely on the number of Valentine related accoutrements? Well the Women’s Legal Society did their part by baking and selling cookies for V-day.

If you happened to walk by the table today asking, “How do I know if I got any cookies?” you know how I felt back in 7th grade. You also know how it feels to have this conversation:

Cookie Getter: “I have so many cookies I couldn’t possibly eat them all. Do you want one?
You: “No, I have a dinner date tonight.”
Cookie Getter: “I bet you do. I bet you also have four dozen roses waiting for you at home. All that dreaming must be using up a lot of energy; please, have a cookie.”
You: (Sobbing) I hate you.

In case you’re wondering, thanks to Jolie, I’m one of the cookie getters. It feels tremendous.

The Best Speaker Ever

As a real estate broker, the man pictured to the left consistently manages to sells more commercial real estate than anyone else in Texas. Even more impressive, in 2003, he sold more real estate for Coldwell Banker than anyone else in the world. Even more impressive than that, he does it all working out of Waco.

I’m pretty sure this guy is the ultimate badass . . . he has to be. How else does one go into a law school Real Estate Finance class looking like Dog the Bounty Hunter dressed in a $4000 suit and proceed to teach, wielding an expensive cigar like it was his laser pointer?

After twelve minutes, Bland Cromwell finished by putting the cigar in his mouth, plugging his rock band and gently stroking the tip of his mustache as to say, “Can’t touch this.”

But yea, his name is Bland Cromwell. It would be like naming Prof. CivPro, “Super-Nice-Childrens’ Counselor” or Prof. LARC “Maggie Simpson”

Get it . . . Maggie Simpson. The short yellow one, that doesn’t talk. High Five!!!

I Got a Summer Job

We haven’t ironed out the details but from what I gather, I’ll have an expense account that covers alcohol, gas, steel toed boots, and a hard hat; my office will be a pick up truck with XM, Sirius, and GPS; I will need a couple business suits, some pearl snaps and a few pairs of wranglers; it’s important I know how to do title searches.

When asked why the truck had both Sirius and XM, my new boss replied, “Just because.”

In case you’re wondering, I’ll be a landman. Since the title itself may or may not help, I’ve taken the liberty of stealing the job description from salary.com:

“[A landman] confirms land ownership and availability for lease/purchase. Negotiates agreements with land owners for drilling or production rights. Drafts and administers contracts; ensures compliance with government regulations.”

I was offered the job at a cocktail party in San Antonio and my God I’m excited. Since I’m now an expert on landing jobs, I’ll impart my technique to others:

Guy: So you’re in law school?
Me: Yea, so far so good. I just finished up my first year at Baylor.
Guy: Oh yea, what kind of law are you interested in?
Me: So far I’m leaning towards Real Estate Finance, Oil and Gas, or something along those lines.
Guy: I deal with a lot of oil and gas lawyers and they are all idiots. They don’t understand my time limits, they don’t understand the business. They only thing they understand is the paperwork and billing hours. Do you want another drink?
Me: You read my mind.
Guy: Well if you want a job, you can work with me this summer. One day you’ll be in the boardroom talking to execs, the next you’ll be driving out to the shittiest parts of Texas, ass deep in mud.
Me: What exactly would I be doing?
Guy: You can come with me, check out land; figure out who owns it and what’s there. Once that’s done, you work a deal with whoever owns the land and buy them drinks until the deal is closed. Can you do a title search?
Me: Absolutely
Guy: Good I hate that shit. Make sure I get your information by the end of the night and we’ll figure out the rest of the details.
Me: So I get to buy a pair of Wranglers?
Guy: That will be covered but you better buy more than one. We’re talking about ass deep mud.

So that was that. My first job in law school involves ass deep mud, a pick-up truck, and Wranglers. I’ve come a long way and couldn’t be happier.

Capricious Booting or Valuable Lesson?

The jury is still out on this one.

Prof. LARC: Mr. ____, what are the five types of legal argument?
Student: Um . . . I . . . I don’t know.
Prof. LARC: This wasn’t from last night’s reading, it was the first assignment.
Student: I guess I didn’t read it.
Prof. LARC: Alright, pack your stuff.

We have two books for LARC III, one is specifically titled, “The Five Types of Legal Argument.” It’s a small book of about 190 pages and there was no reading in it from the night before so I, like many others, hadn’t bothered to bring it.

Prof. LARC: Mr. ____, what are the five types of legal argument?
Student: Um . . . I . . . I don’t know. I guess I didn’t read either.
Prof. LARC: Alright, I hate to do this but pack your stuff.

By this point my ass was panicking. I’d done the reading but hadn’t bothered to memorize the five types of legal arguments, so after stumbling around my bag, waiting for the book to magically appear, I resorted to Google. Fortunately, three seconds after typing in “Five Types of Legal Arguments,” there they were. (I’m hoping not an honor code violation.)

Prof. LARC: Ms. _____, what are the five types of legal argument?
Student: Um . . .(flips open book) . . . Umm
Prof. LARC: I’ll give you a hint; it’s in the table of contents.
Student: Text, Intent, Precedent, Tradition, Policy.
Prof LARC: Thank you. I didn’t intend to make an example of those two but this course is about advocacy, and advocacy is about scrambling. As lawyers you aren’t paid to say I don’t know. You are paid to be prepared and if something catches you off guard, you scramble.

At first the move seemed capricious, but now, the more I think about it, the more I think I might have learned something. I haven’t really talked to anyone about it but I’m interested to hear others’ thoughts.

An Osler Inspired Flashback

Osler’s post reminded me of this game I used to play back in the day when I was a young lad of only twenty. I guess it wasn’t really a game and it wasn’t really all the time, but for two weeks in undergrad, I dated this girl who wrote the caption bubbles for both the English and Spanish versions of the show Blind Date. Oh the good ole days.

I met her at the Malibu Inn. I said I was 23 she said she was 24. She said she worked with kids and told jokes, I said I went to school and turned joke tellers into stars.

We both kind of fudged the details.

I think we hung out three times. The first two we ate, drank and captioned. The third . . . the third went poorly.

Her: So how old are you really?
Me: How old are you really?
Her: You really don’t know?
Me: What do you mean I really don’t know?
Her: I figured you would have Googled me by now.
Me: (Grab my computer to Google her) Oh this isn’t good. You have your own website?
Her: Have you ever seen the show Last Comic Standing?
Me: (clicking website) Umm, not recently.
Her: Well I was on it.
Me: (webpage slowly loading) so you tell jokes on this webpage?
Her: It’s more of a bio ty. .
Me: (webpage loaded) YOU’RE A STRIPPER!!!!
Her: Well no. I’m a comedian; I just take off my clothes as part of the act.
Me: Wait it says here you were born in ’75. If I was born in ’84 . . .
Her: Wait, you’re only 20?????
Me: Are you quick with numbers, or did you Google me and discover my 8 and under swim records from 12 years back?
Her: Alright, well I guess I’m going to go.
Me: Before you go, I want you to look at my glabrous face and know I haven’t shaved in like two weeks.

And that was that . . . but the moral of the story had to do with captioning.

Britt Clark Reports on the New Grading Policy

In what could have resulted in mutiny, most people left the grade change meeting happy with the administrative decisions and impressed with their concern. The changes they are making seem to be helping everyone and they are very careful to make sure no class is getting an unfair advantage over another. Prof. Fed Tax, Prof. Sub-Civpro/Fed Courts, and Prof. Sports Law were there to answer all questions we had. Here are the results:

Grades: The average will be raised to around a 3.0 for the class. They made it very clear that this did not mean that nobody will fail or there will be no D's or Cs. They are just moving the middle of the bell curve up. Prof. Sub-Civpro believes this will raise the 50% mark for class rank after the first year to about a 2.9-3.0. Prof. Fed Tax indicated that they are going to keep the honors requirement the same and that more people will qualify as a result.

Scholarships: In what should have erupted into some form of "woooooo!" from the audience, the scholarship policy is very generous. For those who entered on a scholarship, they are going to keep it at a 2.6 cumulative GPA after the first year for those entering in the Fall, Summer, or Spring of 2006. New scholarship requirements will apply for the next two quarters (Spring and Summer 07), meaning that if one receives a 3.4 cumulative GPA they will get a half tuition scholarship and if one gets a 3.6 they will get a full tuition scholarship. To reiterate, this only applies for grades you receive in the next two quarters. After that, the new scholarship policy is that if one achieves a 3.5 cumulative GPA or higher after their first year, they will receive a half tuition scholarship. The full tuition scholarship is being phased out. The faculty assures the students that for private schools, BLS is in the top 10% for scholarship money given.

Rankings: Ranking at graduation stays the same. You're ranked against the quarter you walked across the stage with and the previous 2 quarters. For the purposes of interviews, Fall '06, Summer '06, and Spring '06 will be ranked only against each other.
And best of all, we got one of those badass coffee pots the new spring starters have been flaunting. Impressive!

To close, I think the administration deserves a big "thank you" for the grade changes. And, the idea of being ranked against 27 of my closest friends is funny for one reason: I can tell my family and friends that I am ranked 27th in my class and it sound impressive. My mother will be so proud!

Stay Classy, BLS,

BC

P.S. Swanburg, I'm coming for you for that 23rd spot.

P.P.S. I think it's important to note that Chicago said the following at lunch- "You can't catch the fish if you don't know how to use the pole" in regards to dating. I think it's important that people know.

Covering News . . . Sort of

I’ve sent FM2W news correspondent, Britt “The Hitman” Clark, to cover today’s policy meeting regarding the newest grading scheme. He’s promised a full report by some point this evening.

I’m pretty sure the three main issues will be:
- Retroactivity
- Scholarships
- Ranking graduating classes

I may be wrong but we shall soon find out.

The New Face of BLS

Besides the new grading system, Baylor is making some big changes all around. Here is a short list.

1) Drinks allowed in class. The excerpt below describes the new policy:

“Beverages in any container may be consumed inside the Student Lounge. Beverages may be consumed outside of the Student Lounge area only in spill-proof mugs that are provided by the Law School. Each student will receive one 20 oz. spill-proof mug at no cost during the Law School's Orientation. (Current students enrolled prior to Spring 2007 will receive one free mug at the beginning of the Spring 2007 quarter.) A student who wishes to purchase an additional mug may do so at the circulation desk in the law library. The cost of each mug is $5. Drinks will
not be allowed in class unless the class professor allows them.”

(Curious what the mug looks like? Here’s a cell phone image comparing it with my coffee pot.)

2) An administrative limitation on Prof. CrimPro’s gratuitous impartation of knowledge.

I have it on good authority from Prof. BizOrg that the administration has permitted professors to walk into Prof. CrimPro’s classes at whatever time the schedule said he was supposed to be finished. Of course, if there is no class afterward, Prof. CrimPro can do as he pleases.

3) Professors being nicer?

When I asked a 1Q about her first day of class, she described Prof. CivPro as being “so nice to everyone.” WTF? Unless that same girl would describe being drawn and quartered as a playful tease, I’m disconcerted to say the least.

First Day of 2L

Several spring starters found their way to the grotto this past Friday and were rewarded, if nothing else, with invaluable, semi-coherent insights into life here at the B. For those that missed it, allow me to take Baker’s advice and dispel a few myths regarding Baylor Law.

Myth 1: Law League sports encourage school bonding and camaraderie.

Not True. Law league sports are designed to separate the wheat from the chaff. You don’t win a single softball game and your CivPro grades will reflect that.

Myth 2: What happens in the study rooms stays in the study rooms.

Yes, this is in fact true.

Myth 3: Wearing a Baylor Law shirt while walking the Bear Trail or working out in the SLC will get the girls.

Not True. A girl working out would likely prefer you didn’t talk to her; unless of course you have a puppy. Instead go to the bar and do what I do: buy her drinks then add, “Girl, if you were text, you’d be what we at the law school like to call, Fine Print.” Accompany that with a gold toothed smile, and you are well on your way.

Myth 4: Swanburg is a bad person.

Not True. Kind of.

There are tons more but I’m tired, lazy, and saving the good stuff for my future law buddy. Feel free to add your own.

My First Unofficial Tour

When a Pepperdine Pi Phi is in town visiting Baylor Pi Phis, and the Pepperdine Pi Phi wants a Saturday tour of the law school, you’re supposed to call someone qualified to give tours.

Instead they called me. I warned them. I told them about my sanctioning issues but they wouldn’t listen. So thanks to the help of one, Mark “Waco I Do” Reitmeier, and his trusty Pi Phi, sidekick / girlfriend, a tour of sorts was given . . . the day after I was done with finals:

(12:30 PM: Mark walks into my apartment)

Mark: Swanburg, get your ass up.
Me: I can’t Mark I’m dying.
Mark: You’re not dying; you’re just not living all that effectively right now.
Me: Don’t make me go.
Mark: Here, have some water.
Me: Why is it in a measuring cup?
Mark: It was the only plastic cup you have.

(12:45 PM: Mark drives me to the school, measuring cup in hand)
Mark: There they are.
Me: I can’t feel my legs.
Mark: Let me put on my give-a-shit-face before you continue.

Ten minutes in, I introduced her to Prof. Contracts; ten minutes later the tour was over.

In all seriousness though, I really hope my new friend chooses Baylor and you can’t blame me in the least if she doesn’t. I gave it a college effort and filled the silence with such hyperbolic banter as, “We have like a 100% bar passage rate” and “I came to Baylor over Harvard and still consider it the best decision of my life.”

Holla at a 4Q

If you’re like me, you’re probably sitting in your boxers, blogging about blogging, wondering why you started drinking Long Islands at 11:30 in the morning.

If you’re not like me then you probably still remember the answer.

I’m done with finals, which means I’m done with 1L. Hooray to that. Haley told me I’m having people over tonight so I guess that’s what I’m doing. If you want to come, you’re more than welcome . . . especially you Prof. Property. I need to talk to you about something, and by something I mean changing my answer to the last question, part B. If we can’t change it, I’m at least looking for bonus points. If the fact pattern were written as I read it to be written, my God I would have nailed it . . . absolutely nailed it.

Anyway, if this post makes no sense, forgive me. Microsoft Word keeps putting all these red and green lines under everything I type and I find it quite distracting.