My First Unofficial Tour

When a Pepperdine Pi Phi is in town visiting Baylor Pi Phis, and the Pepperdine Pi Phi wants a Saturday tour of the law school, you’re supposed to call someone qualified to give tours.

Instead they called me. I warned them. I told them about my sanctioning issues but they wouldn’t listen. So thanks to the help of one, Mark “Waco I Do” Reitmeier, and his trusty Pi Phi, sidekick / girlfriend, a tour of sorts was given . . . the day after I was done with finals:

(12:30 PM: Mark walks into my apartment)

Mark: Swanburg, get your ass up.
Me: I can’t Mark I’m dying.
Mark: You’re not dying; you’re just not living all that effectively right now.
Me: Don’t make me go.
Mark: Here, have some water.
Me: Why is it in a measuring cup?
Mark: It was the only plastic cup you have.

(12:45 PM: Mark drives me to the school, measuring cup in hand)
Mark: There they are.
Me: I can’t feel my legs.
Mark: Let me put on my give-a-shit-face before you continue.

Ten minutes in, I introduced her to Prof. Contracts; ten minutes later the tour was over.

In all seriousness though, I really hope my new friend chooses Baylor and you can’t blame me in the least if she doesn’t. I gave it a college effort and filled the silence with such hyperbolic banter as, “We have like a 100% bar passage rate” and “I came to Baylor over Harvard and still consider it the best decision of my life.”