If You Think Finals Are Bad

I was reading Deadspin and came across this article on merkins, which subsequently got me thinking about the worst test ever taken. If you don’t like clicking links and you’re curious about the definition of a merkin, you’ll just have to wait.

Here’s the story.

Maybe it’s just where I’m from but if you wanted to play high school sports in middle school, you had to take a couple proficiency exams . . . one of which required hairy genitalia . . . literally.

They give you a form comprised of five pictures, each picture corresponding to a number; one meaning Bald Eagle, five meaning Sasquatch. This form had to be filled in by a doctor, your mother had to drive you and you needed to score at least a three to pass. At the time, I was maybe an exceptionally awkward two.

I remember the drive to the office:

Mother: “You think you're going to pass?”
Me: “I hate you.”
Mother: “You’re not going to pass?”
Me: “How the fuck should I know I’m not a doctor.”

So my mom hands the nurse the form, I get sent to the backroom, next thing you know, I’m naked and an old man is taking a hands on accounting of my pubic endowment.

When I told him it was for golf, he smiled and circled a four. I pulled up my pants, smiled, and swaggered out of the office like the furry champion the chart said I was. Things were great until I got in the car:

Mother: “So you passed with a four.”
Me: “Ummm . . ."
Mother: “I guess that means your becoming a man.”
Me: “Let me out, I hate you”

After a long bout of silence and years of therapy I recovered.

Moral of the story: Torts and Property really aren't all that bad.

And in case you were still wondering:

"A merkin is a pubic wig, worn by prostitutes after shaving their genitalia to eliminate lice or to disguise the marks of syphilis. There are many different ways of wearing a "Merkin" although most involve placing the merkin on the vulva or the scrotum."

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