A Wacoan-Like-Incident

After much libation in celebration of this Thanksgiving Day, I must attempt to coherently express what just happened.

Allow me to fast forward through the wonderful meal, and everything else prior to 10:30 PM. Somehow, after my adventure to The Shade Tree located in Lorena, Texas, nothing else seems to matter.

Why would I go to a bar called the Shade Tree in Lorena, Texas? The answer is simple. First, Mark Reitmeier told me that blogging about blogging was simply queer; second, I was in the mood for a life experience rather than just a fleeting bout of coital relations.

So here’s the story:

Law school Mark, baseball Seth, and blogging Swanburg walk into a bar. Overtly trashy, yet subtly hot bartender named Loretta tells me it’s illegal in Texas to serve beer to out-of-staters; I persevere.

After two rounds of drinks and three games of pool, last call was announced around midnight. We purchased the bar’s last round of drinks, for the total cost of $18, and thus inferentially invited 34-year old Debbie over to greet us.

Debbie is a self-proclaimed fornicating aficionado; she is also the mother of two.

Debbie: You’re the sweethearts that bought me the drink?
Me: (while receiving hug) Yea
Debbie: I would wear you out.
Me: Excuse me?
Debbie: Yea, I could take all three of you at the same time and when I was done there’d be nothing left.

(Stealing some of Seth’s dip and switching the conversation over to him)

Debbie: You know I can dip and drink more than all of you combined.
Seth: I don’t doubt it.
Debbie: I don’t even need to spit. That’s not lady like.
Seth: (pause)
Debbie: And I ain’t just talking about this dip.

Maybe it’s time to mention that Debbie wasn’t much of a looker. Her pink track suit over the corpulent midsection left much to be desired. And the fact her 12-year old kept calling the bar to talk . . . huge turn off.

Anywho, it wasn’t till we were getting kicked out that we discovered she’d been living with a guy named Randy for about 7 years. Judging by the way Randy escorted her out, I’m assuming he’s the jealous type:

(Outside): I’m going to fucking kill him

Bartender: You guys shouldn’t go out there for awhile
Me: Is he going to kill us?
Bartender: No, we checked him last night and he didn’t have a gun.
Me: Why did you check him last night?
Bartender: Oh you know.
Mark: So do you have a backroom?
Bartender: No I’ll just lock the doors. He’ll leave eventually. You know you guys are so cute. You have to come back sometime.
Seth: You realize that there is a man outside that wants to kill us?
Bartender: He’s harmless really. We have a country band coming and a Chili cook-off this Saturday.

(Outside): I’m going to kill those young fucks

Bartender: Don’t worry the doors are locked, he’ll leave soon enough.


Sure enough she was right. After about ten minutes, the standoff was over, Randy had left and we were free to leave.

It's now 3 AM . . . Hope everyone had a happy Thanksgiving.