Don Juan Never Went to Law School

I used to be funny and have a modicum of game but somehow law school is simultaneously and rapidly destroying both. For example, last night at Crickets I asked a girl how much it would cost to trespass upon her chattel. She missed the punch-line and I kept walking.

Another hallmark moment occurred when I saw a girl at the bar that looked strangely familiar. I approached awkwardly from behind, and said,

“I’m Jon?” (I don’t know why the words came out of my mouth like a question but they did.) She looked confused so I kept going like it was part of the plan.

Me: “You look really familiar but I don’t remember from where. Do you go to law school?”
Girl: “Umm, no but my name is Jessica, if that helps.”
Me: “OHH THAT’S IT! You have the twin sister Janelle and you waited on us last week at Hooters.”

Apparently word choice and tact escape me, but I wasn’t done. The portion of my brain that controls walking, and the portion that controls speaking proceeded into an intracranial battle. I inadvertently started to wobble and stutter, while she looked on in awe. The walking part evidently prevailed and I marched away not having said another word.

Looking back it turned out to be a smart play. My next line was probably going to be, “You look a lot shorter tonight, are you a legal midget?” or maybe I’d make an affirmative statement like, “You have a really nice chest for a midget.”

Thomas almost got into a bar fight. That would have been fun. As my version of the story goes, he made a pass at a girl who was standing next to her boyfriend. The boyfriend took umbrage and threatened to beat Thomas’ ass. Thomas ripped off his own shirt, cracked a beer bottle on the table and loudly exclaimed, “I’m going to cut you punk.” The boyfriend retreated and Thomas got the girl.

Maybe not entirely true, but pick and choose the facts you want to believe.